Occasionally made with slave labour? Always.
Selling [voluntary] slaves online? Never.
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He looks happy. |
Amazon Prime Day is 2022 was earlier this week. It's an online sales event that lasts 48 hours, designed to make you buy even more stuff you don't need and gonna regret. That's why it's an excellent opportunity for women targeting men with an interest in femdom, demanding they send free gifts to random strangers. 'To prove their sincerity.'
Meanwhile "Amazon sells more than 12 million products, not including books, media, wine and services. When Amazon Marketplace sellers are factored in, the total product count balloons to more than 353 million." Last summer the official resident population of the United States was 332 million, which averages about one unique item per American.
Everybody jumps on the bandwagon. Cable news station CNN has found you the 70 best deals this year. What Hifi? - with such a name there's no need for introduction - has identified at least 30 opportunities and even the New York Times has their best and brightest writing consumer advice regarding the 100+ super deals. All I want to know is does the paper earn a commission if I buy something. If so, the truth is hidden in some obscure footnote. What I really care about - Dutch is a gear head par excellence - is if there is any kink stuff on sale? Couldn't find it but I was amazed by just how much sex toys and BDSM stuff Amazon carries. I've cobbled together a quick list of fun items. Full disclosure: I do not get paid for this by Amazon, nor do I own shares in Amazon. And don't try to be funny, it's totally relevant whether or not I've been to Brazil and swam in the Amazon river. So let the games begin.
First search is for adult toys. Below are six highlights in the order Amazon presents them to me.
The GDP [how much money a country makes in a year] of Ukraine in 2020 was USD 200 billion. Late 2021 Amazon boss Jeff Bezos net worth was also 200 billion. Is it a coincidence that the first result I get for adult toys is a catch and ball game in yellow and blue? Don't worry it comes with six paddles. [2]
Moving on to more serious kink stuff on page two there is an "electric funny adult toys sensory toys for water game and women swimsuits party sports pleasure. Is that the reason I see a male banana strapped in? 'More bananas in the last paragraph. Moving on.
How 'bout an [inflatable] pink pig costume for adults [one size]? $69.99 only and eligible for delivery to the Netherlands. Now that's what I call advanced cosplay. Kinky not so much.
I was sure I finally hit the jackpot when I looked at the BFF Pro. After all, isn't that an awesome name for a kinky toy? If you look at it, you wouldn't guess it's a beast of a back massager. No need to explain, you were thinking what I was thinking. Oh come on! At $289 it's a steal.
Yes Amazon is clearly watching me, it knows all about my preference for women's hands. Next time please pay attention algorithm, a hand made out of Lego is not the same. On the other hand, there are Lego kits for adults. Let's call it a draw.
To be honest the enema bulb is weird at best. 'The health 3pcs lube applicator vaginal or something...' looks so scary it should be outlawed immediately. No dungeon should carry it, not even as a backup pair of twisted scissors. Ban that beast!
Getting uncomfortable so let's narrow down our search to health care products. Bad idea, just look at the automatic electric enema bulb. With 7v-modes & 3 speeds.
The only good thing you can say about our next item is that you can hide the automatic electric enema bulb in it easily. Other than that 'the item' has nothing going for it. In Dutch you would call what you see in the image a 'tentbroek' AKA pants the size of a tent. Guess it shows how useful male chastity can be. Ever wondered how much water is needed to grow cotton? Save the planet. As an aside I cunningly avoided certain predictable jokes about how men come in various sizes.
As usual this list goes all the way to 11. Don't worry we're almost there. Number nine is the Dechoker anti-choking device for adults. Sounds serious so why does Amazon list it under adult fun? What am I even looking at? Still over 1100 people reviewed it. Average rating: 4.5/5
At this point I'm bored and decide to go for the hard stuff. Enter keyword 'BDSM'. Just 38 results. Yes 38. And the winner is the electra ball gag [in green] whatever that is. Meanwhile I'm wondering why Amazon does show me this item right after their bizarre anti-choking device. Perhaps because electricity above the waist is dangerous? We'll never know.
Clearly that doesn't work either and I finally go rogue, live on Amazon. "CBT toys" I added the word toys because otherwise I'll drown in a flurry of cognitive based therapy books or something. To no avail, I'm finally going bananas. Look at the result: "Don't Go Bananas - A CBT Game to Work on Controlling Strong Emotions." Hmm.
Sadly our time's up for today otherwise I would share with you the second search result on the page, which is even funnier. "Playing CBT - Therapy Games to Develop Awareness of Thoughts, Emotions & Behaviors, Improve Social Skills, Coping Skills and Enhance Self Control, 15-Games-in-1. Updated Version 2022' Or at least that's how I'd describe the adult version.
In the end I didn't buy anything but wasted an entire day searching for goodies to send to some random stranger. If it's you and you're still waiting by your mailbox, I'm truly sorry. Free tip: 'the most popular item sold in the 2017 edition of Prime Day is the Echo Dot, followed by the regular Echo.' Get yourself one. At least then someone obeys your every command. But first you have to enter your 16-digit credit card number, which I can do for you. Feel free to send me the details. [1]
In case you're wondering 'the most popular non-Amazon items are pressure cookers and 23andMe home DNA tests.' This one is for the guys. Wear a chastity device and save someone the trouble of ordering that DNA test.
If anyone is interested in a free ice maker machine - it's brand new - please come by the house. All of a sudden I've lost my appetite. Wonder why. Bye.
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Both
Jill Scott
and Erykah Badu are wonderful artists. No need to wonder why I choose
Tyrone for this post.
Click to listen. |
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[1] Dutch lives to serve.
[2] Two months ago I wondered what to do with 44 billion instead of buying Twitter. Whatever adult boy toys you want, you won't find it on Amazon.
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