Kink is complicated. Like all good things in life. But not all of the time, sometimes confusion is a better word.
Despite the fact that I never look at on-line porn, femdom-related images have no trouble finding their way onto my screen. If that's what Gaia decides, I surrender. Doesn't mean much, I surrender pretty easily to certain women. Unlike most of my male readers, Dutch is a slave who comes with limits attached. I try to restore the cosmic balance by telling silly jokes when timing is at it's most awkward. Somehow it never works.
It took me much longer to accept my limits than to accept the fact I'm into kink. The latter was just my inner monologue telling me "oh, that's what they call it. Cool."
Kinkwise I also believe compatibility matters, after all mistress and slave are in a relationship too. That means a woman who is happy to make me suffer without needles or bastinado. Depending on the circumstances it also means chastity for Dutch from time to time. [1]
Neither am I an extreme pain slave. Pain serves two purposes, to make mistress happy and underline my status as a slave without autonomy, but everything has it limits. Sometimes that makes me feel sad. There is an exceptional sort of beauty when you see a sadistic, dominant woman inflicting pain and suffering on a willing slave. The sparkle in her eyes, accentuated by a genuine big smile and she still isn't done, looks like magic. Once you realize he's been suffering like this at her hands for a long time, it kinda feels like your brain is about to explode from so much joy by proxy. And yes, occasionally there are regrets about why I cannot take that amount of pain and humiliation. Like any man, in my most desperate dreams, there's nothing I won't do to make her smile like that. Usually when I wake up, I take a cold shower to get back to reality.
Apart from certain scenes that feel abusive, there's hardly any male suffering that truly turns me of. Now turn the tables. Like I said, I'm a lucky guy, all kinds of femdom images seem to hit my screen at random, I never go out and look for it. Everybody knows that internet thing is much too dangerous. The first time an image a female submissive hit my screen, I raised my eyebrows. Despite the fact that BDSM is a choice, for a moment I felt there was something wrong with the world. Then a second hit and a third and I understood: women have equal rights. Even when it comes images where you can smell the pain and taste the saltiness of their tears.
"This is what she wants."
"No, it's wrong."
"Her choice, once unchained she'll walk away with a big smile on her face."
My inner monologue went on for a bit longer but in essence that was me struggling with seeing women in pain. Men in Pain? Awesome. Women, even to a member of the Dark Side is a different story altogether. That all happened long ago and I've trained myself since then to say "she's loving it." Despite that, everytime I come across an image of a female slave in agony, I find it hard to look at. I know, it's silly but somehow it feels wrong and I cannot shake the feeling. Makes no sense, I know, but still.
In the end, it turns out to be a valuable lesson. What if vanilla people look with the same kind of shock and horror to BDSM practitioners in general, the way an insider like myself looks at the suffering of female slaves? Once I realized, I also knew there's no way in hell to ever explain the joys of BDSM, femdom, maledom, pain and suffering to those who don't share our preferences.
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[1] It'll be interesting to see mistress locking me in chastity, without me thinking of her hands. Guess, the gods are smiling on me for once.
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