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| What do they teach kids today anyway? Crop in hand, latex-clad teacher Mrs. Urbianak at Yale university (Image: Kasia Urbaniak) |
Many years in the corporate world have taught me one thing. Most external advisors don't know what they're talking about. Why? It's not their area of expertise. To make up for that, they try and sell you hot air. I rather take lessons from history instead. Remember the one about that Greek city infiltrated by a wooden horse? Look no further, the dominatrix-enemy is within. There are many life lessons a former pro-domme can teach you. Instead Mrs. Urbaniak opts for cold hard cash at any price. Findom for female suckeresses. Guess that's progress or equality of sorts. Unfortunately those who attend class, will suffer. Uncontrollable inner-domme, anyone?
Yes, that is unusually hard, even by my standards. I honestly believe, years of experience as a professional dominatrix can be turned into lessons for the benefit of others, and especially women, but not like this. To make matters worse, The New York Times, in an rare slip-up, prints all of this nonsense, without asking even the most basic of questions. End of introduction.
Even though I would take the red pill without hesitation - same fun, less complicated - I feel truly blessed to be able to live the life I want. I wish the same thing for everyone else.
My luck is the fact that nobody can look at me and tell I'm into BDSM. When it comes to visible characteristics, think gender or skin colour, it's not that simple. Being both Caucasian and male makes me blessed several times over.
That privilege is also an important reason I get upset when people try to sell BDSM - and especially femdom - as a valuable life lesson, one that can be universally applied. The majority of "lessons from the world of femdom"-teachers make a mess of it, often harming their students in the process. If you want to be a healer, make sure you do a proper job.
Suggesting that a limited subset of personal experiences can be turned into a mould on how to deal with some of life's harshest' dilemmas is delusional at best. Most likely, however, the outcome is diametrically opposed to the interests of those who pay good money to attend Mrs. Urbaniak's Academy.
Ever heard of femdom 3.0? That's findom for female suckers. Based on her 17 years as a dominatrix, Ms. Urbaniak has some important life lessons to share, at a price. That - and the fact that most students are referred through the teachings of movie star turned guru, Gwyneth Paltrow - worries me.
Dommes enjoy male chastity for a variety of reasons. Some like how it makes their slaves more submissive. Others love the power handed to them. None of these women would hand out advice to other women, based on a chast man's behaviour, with his brain between his legs. Any lessons based on that would be no less than disastrous. There is no denial that the majority of her advice is rooted in her unique experience with men in a highly aroused state - I'll leave out the 'submissive' part - Ms. Urbaniak pretends to teach women how to get ahead in life.
The first few times I read the article, what stood out, were the prices Ms. Urbaniak charges. Clearly I'm not the only one. Sue Storm, a Toronto-based fetish therapist and pro-domme likes the idea, but says: “I’d love to see it cheaper.”
One of the pecuniliarities [1] of kink used to be that femdom was the prerogative of men with money. Luckily the times are changing, BDSM-equality has arrived. Kink-class seems to be the prerogative of women with cash to burn. Mrs. Storm once more: “you’re trying to help the average woman,” not men who will “pay anything” for their sexual fantasies. [2]
Prices are stiff. "Advanced Power With Men", a weekend-long workshop, is sold out at $2,200 a spot. "Foundations of Power", three in-person weekends and an online component are priced $8,500. [3] Very few women can afford such fees. With little overhead, despite the number of women attending, it mostly sounds like a money-making machine. My personal experience in the world of corporate education has taught me that price has no relationship to quality whatsoever.
Luckily for the poor and frugal there is "Cornering Harvey", the Academy’s largest and most affordable class at $45 for two hours. Sounds laudable, doesn't it?
Notoriety clearly rules the world. I've followed the Weinstein case from a distance and if there is one example that is unfit for a course in assertiveness, it is that of Mr. Weinstein. The guy is a monster, whose decades-long, institutional abuse of women was fuelled by lawyers, billing upwards of $900 an hour and former Israeli spies gone rogue. Another major obstacle were Mr. Weinstein's assistants and fellow executives, all very much complicit in his many cases of sexual assault and abuse.
Despite the fact Ms. Urbaniak labels her most-affordable course, "Cornering Harvey", Hollywood's most successful female actors [4] were unable to protect themselves from a single, powerful, wealthy predator. It makes you wonder, how can the tools of the dominatrix trade protect women with less clout from Harvey-like serial predators?
I've always enjoyed sports and especially stuff like jiu jitsu and karate. Back then I regularly filled in for a friend who taught self-defence to women. One important lesson I never failed to emphasize is that there are some fights you cannot win.
The best tool I had to offer, was advice. Walk away, don't fight, if you can. What Ms. Urbaniak teaches her students, is to confront men, without thinking about the consequences. What do you believe happens if you pepper your boss with an endless barrage of questions? You won't loose your job, but next time, for key assignments, he asks somebody else.
It's all so very unfair, I know. Therefore the path you choose depends on your long-term goals. If you want to make the world a better place, fight. You want to get ahead in your job, don't. Unfortunately the two of them usually don't go together very well. Terribly unfair, but I share this because I'm worried about the lessons people take away from domme class.
It's easy to enjoy your success in a world where women rule over men. But what happens when you step outside the dungeon with men trying to grope Mrs. Hotshot Domme when she walks home?
Anyway, at $45 a ticket, I assume there are quite a lot of women attending class for it's naughty entertainment value. Pretty sad that Cornering Harvey beats Spongebob the Broadway musical for a girls night out.
To be concluded.
Notes
[1] Thank you, Nichi Hodgon. [forthcoming]
[2] If you're reading this Mrs. Storm, how about designing a few classes of your own?
[3] Yes, one weekend is $2,200, three weekends is $8,500.
[4] Selma Hayek has been married to Francois Pinault for almost a decade. With an estimated wealth of $24 billion, he is one of the richest people on the planet. Despite that, the powerful shadow of Mr. Weinstein and his abusive behaviour looms large. And no, Mrs. Hayek doesn't depend on his fortune, I specifically choose this example to illustrate just how extreme the Weinstein case is - and why Mrs. Urbianak made an unfortunate choice in naming her two hour lecture "cornering Harvey"
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