Sunday, February 21, 2016

Make My Power Exchange Real. Not Just Riel

Power exchange comes in two ways: real and riel. If you want it all the time, you really cannot have that. It is a thing that is called civilisation. Still, short term real power exchange can be more frightening, intimidating and rewarding than long-term riel obedience. A personal account.

Each and everyone of us has wondered more than once why she or he is into kink. Yes, we love it. None of us can live without the animal attraction that is femdom. So what?

Drawing by femdom artis wardog. Mistress playing with her slave in full, inescapable bondage
Perhaps a bit too much for me. Then again we all get what we wish for... I guess.

Dommes in hot, sexy leather and latex outfits are nice, but all they do is enhance the visual element of what you know is already there. Pain is weird and strangely also part of the game. Then there is the element of control. Most slaves have a submissive streak that comes out easily. Not me and my wandering mind. Life is a puzzle. What if? One problem solved and the next one comes along. The same thing with kink. Best not to overthink, but that is easier said than done. You cannot ignore an essential part of who you are. Sometimes the why pops up.

Over the years I realized one of the central tenets of my kink is power exchange. Not that I like it. Giving up control deeply confuses me. As a man I don't understand it. I am slowly beginning to grasp the difference between sucking up and surrender. Most of the time I look at people who are vanilla submissive with disbelief. Why would anyone accept orders from someone else or allow them to decide the direction of their lives. Stupid is the kindest word I can come up with. Not good, I know, but understanding how it baffles me, perhaps helps to understand the distance I must travel before I can give up control.

Life plays its little sadistic tricks on all of us. That is why I find my kinky alter ego fascinated with being helpless, vulnerable and out of control. To allow myself to do just do that is a struggle. Once I do, it is an overwhelming experience. Ever single time I feel lost. To surrender and be owned is terribly confusing.

Perhaps it is illustrative of the nature of kink. A slave always suffers in one way or another. Most of us wish they could enjoy the good without the bad, but the game doesn't allow for all sweet and no sour. Being owned and controlled - no longer in charge - feels similar. People try to avoid pain because it hurts. By itself to suffer is unpleasant, but once you realize mistress enjoys it, it becomes sweet and sour at the same time. For some reason, you keep going back.

Giving up control feels similar. For the most part I don't like it, yet am strangely attracted to it. The loss of power has a certain deep, dark non-conventional quality I yearn for.

Being confronted with part of who you are - a trait only allowed to surface under very specific circumstances - is a mixed bag of emotions, intense ones.

Looking back, it also highlights the difference between vanilla and BDSM. Both elements contrast and intensify each other. It makes me appreciate the vanilla elements within mistress even more. That's the stuff that binds us together. It's about the usual suspects: love,  trust and that mutual connection only two people understand. What separates kink from vanilla is that we all wear an extra mask. When mistress allows herself to drop that maks and show part of who she really is, it can be mesmerizing. Stuff the outside world mostly frown upon.

Together they exist in harmony, maintaining a balance between the various elements that make up the direction of my life. Confusingly I must admit I am at a loss when it comes to the whole looking for that submissive quality in a partner. Why would anyone want to be with someone who at its core is not looking for someone at least equal to her or him? Why be with someone who never voices their opinion or disagrees with you? Tensions within the relationship building up from day one. Any relationship within such a framework is ineveitably heading for disaster, the size of the ice berg that sank the Titanic. As with all things that matter, the real danger is the stuff you willingly ignore. As a slave I struggle with the same issue. That - of course - doesn't always bode well.

There are many elements in BDSM I enjoy. The majority of them I have not yet identified. One of the essential ingredients for a functional femdom relationship is effective power exchange. A while ago I read a blog, where a domme tried to explain her dominance. She asked a prospective slave what he would do if she ordered him to kneel right there and then in a public space. His answer: of course he would do so immediately. That made things real for the both of them. I wondered what would happen if prospect started laughing or asked "why?"

Dominance, power and control are always dependent on the situation and both parties involved. I'm interested in giving up control. Despite my preferences, the whole process feels weird, curious and unheimisch. Because of that, it intimidates me, perhaps even worries me. There is this strong tendency to run or at least to struggle for power and dominance.

"Real" is one of those words within the context of BDSM I frown upon. As long as there is a choice, it is never real. That is why consensual surrender - to take control of or to give it up - is always temporarily.

Bondage is one such example. Once you're trapped, there is no way out. You get what you asked for: being helpless, vulnerable, unable to influence the outcome of events. For someone unaccustomed to something like that in daily life, being powerless is intimidating. Your mind weighs the options: fight-or- flight vs acceptance. In itself odd choices, even if the mind remembers how surrender made you feel in the past. Whatever the outcome, it is always intense.

Popular kink opinion has it that being unable to surrender control at the snap of her fingers makes one a terrible slave, a failure in kink perhaps.  For me things get interesting when there is no way out untill mistress sets you free.

Does it mean, I have to be in bondage 247? No of course not. After all what keeps people together are invisible bonds. Some call it love. And the things we do for love...

  • We all fall prey to the same illusions. It took me a while to see the irony in the tagline for my blog: "real love" As if there is any other kind. The correct term for "unreal" love is lust. 
  • For some reason Anita Baker - Caught up in the Rapture comes to mind. Love that song.

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