Locktober for Vanilla's
Better be careful mistress, if you lock up your slave for the entire month of October and he survives, you have to pay him $100,000. Yes, $100,000!
The person who came up with the idea for Locktober is probably the same as the TV producer that created Too Hot to Handle, a relationship show, where, as The Guardian puts it, "believe they are signing up to a shagfest." "They are not. Because 12 hours after they meet and everything has become fully engorged, they are slapped with a sex ban! For FOUR WEEKS!"
Lucy Mangan rates Too Hot to Handle three out of five stars. Her review, however is at least five out of five stars, probably even more. Mrs. Mangan is terribly funny when she discusses the dating show's second season. Yes, there is a second season. I'm as surprised as you are.
"The rules, delivered by a virtual assistant called Lana (presumably because a human presenter would risk being savaged to death by the nearest nymphomaniac) are clear. Should anyone breach them, they will be fined a sum in accordance with the seriousness of the infraction and that sum will be deducted from the prize fund. This stands at $100,000. Whatever remains at the end of the four-week sex ban will be split among whichever participants have not had to be flown off the island and hospitalised with blue balls or the vulval equivalent."
Four weeks is not exactly one month but close enough to be some sort of Vanilla Locktober. Let's introduce the contestants. "There are, technically, 10 contestants, but it is really only two factory models – one male, one female – in five slightly different iterations each." That made me laugh so hard.
"Vulva 3 and Peen 4 quickly establish a mutual attraction. Marvin takes a shine to Vulva 2. But she kisses Peen 2 (not on the peen) to make him jealous. Peen 2 also kisses Vulva 1, but that was mostly on a dare. Or was it? Vulva 1 also likes Peen 1 and they snog, not on a dare."
Peen 4 declares "he is ready for a handjob. Vulva 3 is delighted by the audacity and the notion, but reminds him of the financial penalty to be paid in the event of breaching the ban. There is no blood left in Peen 4’s brain at this point, so it takes a while for him to understand and he is not best pleased when he does."
And what do they all do it for? A measly $10.000 each at best. After all, that is what you get when you divide $100.000 by ten. Unfortunately, not even a day on chastity island, the cookie jar is already lighter. Now there's only $79.000 left. How will the characters survive the next four weeks?
Normally the comments are better than the article, not so this time. There are however a couple of lovely nuggets I want to share with you.
"The problem with this of course is that one of the contestants will probably end up running for PM - and stand a good chance of winning, as him/her off the telly’"
"All politics.
They're all running for Orifice."
"What's good about this though is that there are no superheroes in it."
"Three stars? Same as what Lucy gave Chernobyl. I really enjoyed that, so this must be equally as good"
"Personally, I’d take the nuclear option."
"3 stars...so on a par with Chernobyl?"
"Chernobyl is a terrible series to watch if you're trying to get someone in the mood"
"Shame it wasn’t made 100 years ago where we could have had both; John Maynard Keynes theorising on macroeconomics whilst trying to keep it in his pants."
[Note to self, finish series of posts on DJ's and pro-dommes]
"What, we can give comments?"
"I believe you can slip one in if you like…"
"If they were carted off to a pig farm in Outer Mongolia , with no chance of returning home until they’d worked back their passage - That I would watch."
"Even better if they were stuck in a house and the results were not televised but instead published in a scientific journal"
"4 weeks.... try going without for 9 years...."
"14 years without was my record. Then, wondrous miracle or all miracles, just a week after my 14th birthday..."
To celebrate the fact that Locktober has finally arrived, after 11 long, hard months of waiting, I'll leave you with a clip of Seinfeld. In the episode "The Contest" "they make a bet over who can go the longest without masturbating. The men put up $100, while Elaine puts up $150, as the men insist that masturbation is not part of a woman's "lifestyle". Of course Kramer is out almost immediately, but he doesn't really count. It is not revealed whether Jerry or George won, but a certain someone had to come up with $150. After all masturbation is part of everybody's lifestyle.
Have a pleasant Locktober, even if it's unpleasant. Whatever pleases you.
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Sadly, it's gonna be a very tough winter for Ukraine.
Kevin McCarthy was removed as Speaker of the House [United States House of Representatives]. Continued support for Ukraine is now in danger.
A populist pro-Moscow party led by former PM Robert Fico has won Slovakia's parliamentary elections but needs allies for coalition.
Sweden is willing to send fighter jets to Ukraine but only after it has
become a member of Nato, which Turkey and Hungaria currently oppose.
Turkey
will only allow Sweden into Nato if the US sells them F16's. In 2017
Nato member Turkey
bought Russian S-400 surface-to-air missile batteries, reportedly worth around $2.5 billion. Turkey received the first
deliveries of the S-400 surface-to-air systems in July 2019, prompting
Washington to begin removing the NATO ally from its F-35 stealth fighter
programme over security concerns.
"Last month Poland announced it was no longer supplying weapons to Ukraine amid grain row." "Poland's ruling Law and Justice party has stepped up its rhetoric in recent weeks in the heat of an acrimonious election campaign, ahead of a 15 October vote."
Dutch shipbuilder Damen is suing its government over Russia sanctions losses. "As a member of the European Union, the Netherlands must comply with all the curbs imposed by the bloc."
Notes
[1] Looking up the Seinfeld episode about the contest, I see in the footnotes that it served as an inspiration for the Netflix show Too Hot to Handle. What are the odds.
[2] Seinfeld did at least one other episode on no sex.The Abstinence "focuses on George and Elaine's experiments with sexual abstinence." He gets smarter, she gets dumber. Don't worry the effects can be easily reversed.
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