Total depravity in pink
Corrupt and conquer those Vanilla's
Barbie loves the colour pink. No spoilers so far. In case you haven't seen the movie, do it. It's highly enjoyable. Still no spoilers but be careful, from here on there will be spoilers, like the fact Ryan Gosling plays Ken. After all some girls prefer blondes.
We last met Barbie when Philomena Cunk interviewed queen Patricia, formerly of the Other World Kingdom. Forget the OWK, forget the Kendom, what I wanna know is what the world Barbie lives in is called. It's either Barbie World or World of Barbie. There's also an outsize chance its name is Pinkalonia but I really hope not. Anyway it's a weird place. Barbie's house has no walls, she drinks coffee but she doesn't [cup is empty] and all her friends are called Barbie too. And Barbie wakes up happy every single morning, which given the outlandish use of the colour pink, is hard to believe. Oh and all the Ken's are called called. Yes Ryan Gosling too. The only unique character is Allen, Ken's buddy. Must be a tough life to be the only non-Ken male in Barbie World. Also rather odd but each Barbie has her own Ken. Imagine me getting lost at the annual mistress-slave convention and looking for My mistress. How far do you think shouting 'mistress, mistress' wil get me? Barbylonia is a complete mystery to me. Don't worry both Barbie and Ken [all of them] are equally clueless. And that's not all they're clueless about.
Believe it or not but life in plastic is not that fantastic. Personally I think the phrase was coined by certain subversive female elements in todays society to promote male chastity. In that case, better go for stainless steel. Stainless, ha ha ha. Clearly Ken is more into Barbie than she is into him. And no, forget that old joke about how she's doing it with GI Joe, plastic Barbie sees no action whatsoever. By the time we get to this part in the movie, I'd already fallen of my chair several times, doing the so-called LMAO ROFL laughing thing. This tops everything. Ken Gosling is really into Barbie Robbie. She considers him a friend - at best. Nuisance or pet is probably more apt. It happens, especially when you die your hair surfer blond. Yes dear fellow slaves, you to can feel humiliated for the price of just one tiny bottle of peroxyde. One night, they are standing in front of Barbie's house and yes there's a party going on. Barbie, Barbie, Barbie and a few other [Barbies] are having fun. But this is going to be Ken's lucky night, he just knows.
"Can I stay over tonight?"
"Why?"
"Because we're kinda boyfriend and girlfriend."
"Are we?
And what would we do if you stayed over?"
"I don't know."
"Neither do I.
Anyway tonight is girls night as you can see."
"Yes but it's girl's night every night."
"True but this is Barbie Land."
And the plastic bitch is of to party with her friends. Again. Doesn't even say goodbye to him. The next morning she wakes up in that same house of hers without walls or any mess left behind from last night and starts her day by saying hello to all her Barbie friends. What a pointless, boring life. So life in plastic is fantastic? Some dommes have wild ideas about their slaves never having conventional sex again. There is even a register for that, the Born Again Virgin Register. The easier option is to move to Barbiestan.
For those of you who hoped Barbie would turn out to be a beacon of female supremacy, forget it. She's cold, cruel and without reproductive organs. And worst of all she doesn't care about Ken at all. She just messes with him for fun. Barbie not even has a clue where Ken lives. Probably squatting on the beach, as only the girls in Barbylonia seem to have houses. Still she is perfectly contend with her life. Even in a world with too much pink, and no that's no me speaking but an 11-year old girl. Little wise-ass but she is right. Ken hates the matriarchy and when you see the movie you understand why. Then Barbie, the cruel woman without a conscience, is starting to have nightmares - and cellulite. Ken is not to blame but of to the real world it is - all by herself. Untill Ken pops up from the backseat. He can tag along but only if he's good.
The most important thing Barbie brings to our world is her delusion that her existence makes the lives of young girls better. Oops, what doesn't work for Ken, doesn't work for earth girls either. Obviously I couldn't discuss this with my entourage at the cinema but I am beginning to wonder whether or not the Dark Side is actually pink. The parallels are too obvious to ignore. All of a sudden you wake up from your day dream and crash land in the real world. Don't you hate when that just happens. Also, in the real world you cannot be who you are, whether it's mistress, slave or Barbie. No, not Ken, he discovers a whole new planet full of monster trucks, women asking him what time it is - which he confuses for being respected - and feels the life flowing back into him. Our cute Kenny even begins to show worrying signs of independent thinking. Probably not such a good idea because he believes patriarchy is mostly about horses. And while he is daydreaming, his beloved Barbie is taken into custody by some shady corporate men in black. Should I save her or go back to Barbylonia and tell the guys what I've discovered. That's when the Kendom is born.
To be honest, the moment Ken leaves Barbie behind is the only weak scene in the movie. I hate it. He's deeply in love with Barbie yet chooses to run. Found that difficult to swallow. A little sad even.
As the men in black point out to Barbie that her presence in our reality is causing both worlds to malfunction, hence her cellulitie, Ken arrives home and starts brainwashing the women. Instead of winning a Nobel Prize or work as a brain surgeon, the entire female population of Barbylonia suddenly chooses to act as mindless zombies, pleasing men,dressed in skimpy outfits. Nothing wrong with that as long as it by choice, which today isn't. Don't know how Ken does it, but it's his domain now. If only he had a carrot down there, and yes a pink one will do nicely, instead of plastic, at least he had something to think with. It would have been a very different outcome indeed.
At corporate HQ, the suits explain how something similar has happened before. Turns out all members of the '90s boy band NSYNC are Kens who escaped from Barbieland. Yes, even that one. Best joke in the whole movie. Barbie swiftly - and yes the rumours about Taylor Swift are probably true - agrees the rift between both worlds has to be closed. Easy enough, all she has to do is step into a lifesize box, the in which Barbies are shipped to their new owners, only bigger. As her hands are about to be tied behind her back, she has second feelings about the whole thing and escapes. The movie tries to make you believe that it is because there are no women on the company's board but it's really because Barbie is the domme who does bondage but never plays the turkey. Too complicated to explain to a 10-year old so the matriarch of Barbylonia blames it on Gaia's patriarchy. And yes that's funny because their world and ours are each others mirror image. On earth there is little hope for women, in the land of the Barbie there is no hope for Ken Whatshislastnameagain or any other Ken.
When mistress B. arrives back home, she is absolutely disgusted with what happend to her kingdom. The Barbie sign up against the mountains is about to be replaced with Kendom letttering. Worse, as she drives across the boulevard, Ken and his friends are enjoying themselves, playing volleybal and boozing. Yes the same fake way Barbie drinks her coffee. Where's the fun in that? Even worse, tomorrow the Kens are going to vote to change the constitution. Change is valuable, it let's the oppressed be tyrants. But if you're the domme in charge, you're gonna say: not on my watch. All the women get deprogrammed, something which is impossible to do with men. Has to do with our loves of books. A diabolical plan is concocted to turn one man against the other. Yes we men do stupid things for love and we're proud of it. Barbies do stupid things too but not for love, which is really stupid. And all because they are uncapable of loving. Something that makes the sisterhood see pink with envy. No not green, the upcoming Grinch movie is not expected to arrive in theaters before Christmas. So the Barbies ruthlessly exploit the feelings their Kens have for them only to stand up and walk to that other Ken, right in the middle. OK, I love cruel women as much as the next guy but this is inhuman. And it works. Sadly, with it goes the singular most important reason to put women on a pedestal. Matriarchy is just as bad as patriarchy. Gaia is weeping silently. And no, no pink tears. D'oh.
The constitution doesn't get changed. One thing that does, is Ken getting in touch with his feelings. Aparently, even locked in plastic you can experience emotions. He starts to cry. Barbie doesn't give a damn, a little pat on the shoulder, yes. Otherwise she's the same cold, cruel, heartless bitch. Makes a lot of sense since she is made of plastic and doesn't have a heart. But even for a hardcore kinkster like Dutch, this is too much. If I wasn't the chaperone in the room I would have walked out. What will become of today's youth if they see this movie? Do they have any future left? The patriarchy is evil, the matriarchy isn't exactly Club Dom, I mean Club Med either and as for democracy, seriously?
Speaking of, in a diabolical final twist that proves beyond any doubt that Barbie doesn't care about anyone or anything - like most of todays politicians - she simply walks away from the mess she created and flees to the real world, our world. It's over. Life as we know it. Yes, the movie too.
It gets worse. In the final scene Barbie steps out of the car and enters some non-descript office building. "I'm here for my appointment." Sorry Ken. What appointment? For that you're going have to see the movie for yourself. Trust me, you're gonna love it too. I dreaded going but in the end probably had more fun than the girls. If Barbie is anything, it's a movie for grown-ups. And lots of fun. Even days later I'm still smiling how badly things can backfire if you try to sell matriarchy in pink as a superior solution to our world of patriarchy. Better not copy it 1:1. Dutch signing of.
So there you have it. Barbie is the best femdom movie ever. TL;DR? Here a short summary in 11 awesome arguments.
- Life in plastic is fantastic.
- The Pink Side is the new Dark Side.
- Girls rule, they also win all the Noble Prizes, fill the entire Supreme Court. [Which might not be such a good idea, think Amy Cohen Barrett. As usual more on that later.]
- Barbie is cruel
- Ken is her slave, not that he realizes it. How's that for the consensual non-consensual lifestyle?
- Barbie doesn't care one iota about Ken, like any proper domme.
- Barbie will never have sex with Ken. [Will she ever have sex is not a question we can answer here.]
- The movie never gets tired of spelling out the advantages the matriarchy, mostly by applying the colour pink whenever they can
- The movie never gets tired of spelling out the disadvantages of patriarchy, mostly by making men look stupid and brainless. Agreed, that's a bit more realistic than selling matriarchy by glorifying the colour pink.
- Being part of the Barbiedom sisterhood must be awesome. All Barbies are equal, some more than others.
- Barbie is the best femdom movie ever because Die Hard is the best Christmas movie ever. [Selected audiences only] [1]
Face the music
No nothing from the Barbie soundtrack. Aqua is obviously not a contender either. Thought for a moment about Cindy Lauper's Girls Wanna Have Fun, rejected that too. Natalie Cole's Pink Cadillac ditto. As for the Village People's Macho Man, apt but no. Gino Vanelli's Wild Horses comes close but there is only one track that truly captures the essence of this movie in a single song, Funkhameleon's 2012 remix of The Best of My Love, a 1970's classic by the Emotions.
The Emotions - Best Of My Love (Funkhameleon Best Night Of My Life Remix):
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[click to listen] |
What this musical dilemma shows is that this really is the first Ken movie. Because that's how the patriarchy works. Isn't it ironic. Alanis Morissette, why didn't I think of her before?
520
Except for the colour pink, the Barbie movie is kind of monochromatic. Perhaps because Ukraine Barbie has more important things to do, like defending her country. Still I think it's a miss not to show support for Ukraine. Let me do it for you.
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The world stands by and watches as Barbie is forced to go to war. |
Notes
[1] All I want for Christmas? A decent Doctor Who episode.
[2] And you were thinking I want to spend it incarcerated at lady Daria's Warsaw Prison. Dutch cares, mistress should save the holidays to be with family and loved ones.
[3] But yes, you are right. Let's hope that with good behaviour and being in my pajamas before the Doctor goes on, lady Daria allows me watch. Of course I already brushed my teeth, who do you think I am? Only Barbie doesn't have to brush. No idea why.
[4] And yes Ncuti Gatwa is the 15th Doctor. No, no typo, David Tennant will be 14. And Catherine Tate will be there too. I'm fine with anything just as long as there's no soufflee girl returning to the future.
[5] Oops, lady Daria just texted me that if I'm not a good boy, she's gonna make me watch each and every episode with Jenna Coleman. Not feeling lucky anymore. How many days is a full fortnight again?
[6] In the Barbie movie on of the other Kens gets Ken Goslings long overcoat. Made me smile, thinking how funny it would be if that were some kind of Easter, a tongue in cheek reference to the next Doctor. Don't worry the next Timelord has more class than wearing that ugly coat.
[7] Gatwa is a star of Sex Education. Seeing him in Barbie kinda surprised me. Not that it taught Barbie anything. Or Ken for that matter. Merry Christmas.
[8] Obviously all I want for Christmas is world peace.
[9] Lot's of booze and sex I meant.
[10] I mean lots of money.
[11] No seriously, all I really want is a free Ukraine. And not in five months time, Christmas is still a long way off. Now! Hear, hear. Where's the Doctor when you need him the most? Barbylonia. Let's hope not in a pink phone box. Slava Ukraini! Heroiam slava!
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