Wednesday, May 23, 2018

Sex, Facebook and the Inevitable Extinction of Humanity

If you can't fix it, legislate it!

In Britain a new law that makes age verification mandatory before you can watch porn online, has been delayed. What people really should be talking about is the law itself. It's dangerous.

Don't know who this lady is, but I'm happy she caught my attention. This anonymous image also symbolizes the many unknown talking heads in Parliament. The difference is, with her, I want to know who she is and learn a bit more about her. When it comes to them I ask myself: who do you think you are? What do you think you are doing?

More rules can solve any problem (theoretically) and keep politicians at work (for sure) because their legislation introduces many more additional issues than it can ever hope to solve. But that is not their problem, is it? "Just doing the job you elected me to do Ma'am/Sir."

Oh chill, the United Kingdom will lead the way once again. Their laws against extreme porn have been working their magic for several years now. The time has come for the next step. Unfortunately there are some delays regarding the introduction of mandatory age checks for men - sorry, everyone - visiting pornographic websites. But don't worry, the government knows what's best for you. Some things never change. Trust your overlords.

The British government is about to announce it's choice for official adult age verification partner. Sounds a bit like Britain's next official partner of the Olympics, doesn't it? Currently Mindgeek, the world's biggest publisher of pornography, and owner of sites such as Pornhub, YouPorn and RedTube is the front runner.

Her Majesty's government next step, no doubt, will be the introduction of a mandatory consent app for sexual encounters. I close my eyes and image the PM answering questions in parliament, debating whether the use of this appwill be is compulsory for singles [male] only or that it should apply to married couples as wel.

If that doesn't scare you, ask yourself whether or not your representative cares enough about you as a voter to demand that the app also comes with a special consent setting for eating out. Don't you just hate it when she orders just the salad, only to eat most of your steak? Better be safe and make sure there are rules for that too. After all, eating food from somebody else's plate is pretty intimate, don't you think?

The possibilities are endless. The good news is that more rules and apps make for a better, safer and happier world, in which nobody will ever again feel sad, oh brave new world.

With Britain's economic growth lagging - Brexit has nothing to do with it - why not combine the best of both worlds? The rise of the adult consent app is unstoppable, so why not combine the two? Why not let the company that verifies your age, also be in charge of a mutual sexual consent app. Even better, to make sure there is no disappointment post-fact, why not compare the online porn profiles of two people, before the mighty algorithm approves your sex plans. Spontaneity is almost as much overrated as intimacy. That way people will be even more happy, because the downside risk - a potential disappointing experience due to incompatible preferences - is all but impossible. All hail the mighty algorithm.

In a final act of true devotion to what's best for you, any day now, Parliament will decide that comparing the potential for mutually enjoyable - state sanctioned - intimacy by checking online porn-watching databases might not suffice. Once they do, those who care about and rule us will introduce a second bill that compares how two potential partners rate a selection of movies and TV shows. Surprisingly, all of a sudden your rating on IMDB of "The Handmaid's Tale" is crucial whether or not the almighty algorithm will green-light your plans for intimacy. In your best interest of course

The world is a big place and it's different everywhere. Abroad some pro-dommes require you to send a copy of your driver's license or your passport. Overkill to me but necessary for them. Even if I were to send a copy, I would forever worry about how safe my data is. And remember, any well-known pro-domme is a honey-pot for hackers, whether they are motivated by money or government-sponsored.

Too much gloom and doom. Don't worry once those laws are in place, you will be safe for all eternity. A citizen should always be able to rely on Parliament - even if it is by association only. That's why they came up with a brilliant idea. A commercial entity will ask you, on behalf of her majesty's government, for a copy of your ID before you can access porn online. Even if you think that's a good idea, how to deal with sexy girls on Twitter? Guess you didn't see that one coming.

On top of that, ever heard of mission creep? Over time the application of a rule or law inevitably broadens. At first your identity [and all of your porn data] is stored online to make sure minors have no access to naked women. Most likely Parliament will also abolish teenage boys, raging with hormones. Then something happens - you have a choice of four horsemen: paedophiles, terrorism, drugs or organized crime. Because of that it is necessary to - one time only - reveal the identity of everybody who has been watching porn online. Until the next incident of course.

Meanwhile in the real world even the biggest, most bad-ass super spies are not safe. Hackers for Mammon have breached the NSA and the agency is in fear when the next revelation will occur. In the interbellum even those fearless anonymous soldiers for global justice and peace are unable to protect themselves. But don't worry, your most private data is safe with the government. Trust us. Until those pesky lawyers march in.

Oh, you know how it works. Somebody regrets how their sex plans didn't match their fantasy and sue the consent app owner. Because it has to employ shady lawyers - real lawyers don't work for sex companies - the app becomes more restrictive over time. Not that it will discourage the next complaint. And on and on. Finally it's valuation crashes to zero.

Then, one day, Facebook buys the company for one dollar. Next thing you know, whenever you feel frisky, you have to ask Mark for permission. Who would have guessed that ultimately Facebook will cause the extinction of humanity?

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