Saturday, January 10, 2015

A very Dutch punishment

We Dutch on average eat two kilo's of the stuff each year. The delicacy has its own dedicated blogs. Liquorice is a unique Dutch confectionery. A while ago a few of us were having some fun and came up with a fictional story how Dutch liquorice came about.

A certain Dutch domme, whose name shall not be mentioned was fed up with the superiority complex of several of her foreign slaves. Some made fun of her fellow countrymen for their limited command of the English language, which was not nearly as good as the arrogant Dutch presumed. Others made fun of a traditional Dutch dish called "stamppot".

Don't try this at home

Mistress decided to root out that kind of unacceptable behaviour once and for all by teaching them a harsh lesson: the liquorice way, that is liquorice with a twist. Adding lots and lots of salt to it, ordinary "drop" became double salty liquorice, an acquired taste with an evil twist, you can only appreciate growing up with the stuff. Years and years of training are needed to enjoy its weird, burning salty flavour. A Canadian blogger from Amsterdam describes it as the poison-flavoured stuff. It is a bit like Tabasco sauce but infinitely more evil.

On that fatal day she presented her bratty foreign slaves with a challenge: Eat one small bag of extra salty liquorice in under an hour or I will send you packing. For good! Her slaves were not impressed. Most of them thought piece of cake, I tried the herring and the asparagus and I liked it. The beer is good too, just don't tell mistress (kind of a belly thing). How hard can it be, walk in the park.
But then: shock, horror, tears, frustration and ultimately humiliation. Double salty liquorice is tongue-numbing and almost-stinging, physically overwhelming and unlike-able black confectionery. Not one single slave was able to follow mistress' orders and they were all sent away.

Double salty licorice: a special treat

Mistress, who initially devised the double salty liquorice as a unique one-off punishment for her foreign twats was not happy either. No matter what, she expected her slaves to obey. There was little time to reflect because by then she was wanted by the Fetlife police and had to go into hiding. Canadian mounties were already riding the Dutch high streets searching for her.
Mistress started to receive anonymous threats, unheard of. Fortunately one of her best friends, Mistress Wynona Wonka, CEO of the world's largest candy factory, offered to buy the secret recipe in return for an annual commission that allows mistress to pay for her security detail and continue to lead the life she deserves. But no more foreign slaves she decided, lesson learned. Sometimes it is good to be a Dutch slave :)

PS 1: Of course mistress' English was not that good either. More than one foreign slave got confused when she ordered them to sign their slave contract "on the back" (reverse)...

PS 2: Spare a moment for all of us Dutch slaves serving a foreign mistress. Mistress always wins but compared to other nations the odds are stacked against us. We are so doomed. I am not complaining about fairness or anything like that but at least give us a fighting chance!

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