After this I plan to put my time machine in permanent storage
What is love?
You know when you see her.
Made a mistake today, a big one. Forgot to tell someone I love her. Yes she knows, but this is no ordinary day for her and she needed to hear that from me. And how proud I am of her. Always struck me as odd to say you're proud of someone. It's their achievement but if that's how it works, let's do it. And whenever I think of her and what she's done, a big grin fills my face. My heart is about to explode, guess that's a good thing. [It is.]
All done for tomorrow. Ironed a shirt and some cotton handkerchiefs. No worries I also carry paper ones. I'm a pro, which means I also have a couple of sticker books in my bag for little Miss great granddaughter. Yes, it's a funeral. If you've been following this blog for some time you know I have a way with words, but no worries. I'm more of a hugger.
“In the flush of love's light
we dare be brave
And suddenly we see
that love costs all we are
and will ever be.
Yet it is only love
which sets us free.”
― Maya Angelou
Today is exactly 11 years since we first met. And what a journey it has been. Despite the fact we both went our seperate ways. Or did we?
In 1977 NASA launched Voyager 1, a space probe. Sixteen days earlier its twin, Voyager 2 was sent on its way. Don't expect any logic in the order in which they were launched. Life is not about making sense. In May of this year, Voyager 1 had travelled some 24 billion km away from earth. It is the most distant human-made object from Gaia ever. And the amazing thing is, we can still hear it. Everybody else hears nothing but static but the scientists at NASA continue to pick up the data Voyager is sending home. Amazing.
Obviously we have grown more distant but every now and then we still talk. No not in words, we're much more advanced than that. She and I share an intimate static, a tongue just for the two of us. Don't be jealous, one day it'll happen to you too. All it takes is time and honesty.
In 2012, the year we met, Voyager 1 left for interstellar space, the region beyond the influence of the stars. If atoms had free will, this is where they would be, out of reach. In reality it is mostly empty with an average of one atom per cubic centimeter. Sounds like a lot, but no. Also these atoms have no free will. Kinda similar to falling in love. We have no say in it, no control over it, it just happens. Usually when you least expect it. Isn't that beautiful? But when you're number is up, embrace it with all you have. We did. Those of you who have been following this blog for a while now, know there is this little traffic jam between my heart and my head. Took me some time to say I love you, then again, those are just words. Guess what she said. "I knew." Smart never sounded more sexy.
No pain, no sadness, just gratitude and happiness. Maybe we'll meet again, perhaps we won't. So what? Forget about what if. I never wondered. There is no next life, this is it.
To be honest, I started writing this post a while back. And finished it several weeks after our anniversary. Nobody will ever know, let's keep it between us. Nope, Dutch is not late to the party, most of the time I'm the light of the party. But no matter how much you love or loved someone, life is in the here and now. Two years ago Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer, stage IV, AKA final phase. Doctors initially tried to ward him of receiving treatment. What's the use? We disagreed. A small miracle happened, today the tumors in his lungs are about 1/100th of the size they were back then, that day we walked into the hospital for the first time. Of course heaven is always just out of reach, so intestinal cancer it was. Against the odds, surgery proved highly succesful. Dad was back on his feet, up and running, a week later. Once wrote Dad has been to hell and back before, this was mere a trip to the supermarket, so to speak. Still. Last week we went to the hospital again, doctors being worried about some of the scar tissue. Haven't slept in days but everything turned out fine. Imagine.
She's not my first love, but eleven years on, she matters beyond words. I once said to someone I loved, I'll go last. Let me finish up here then I'll cross over and find you. Seen it over and over again, two people blessed with love for all eternity. The more decades they share, the luckier they are. Don't we all want that? Then one of them passes away. Seemingly unfazed, their other half takes care of whatever is left to do before they pass away rather sudden for someone in such good health. Health is not just your body. Nothing more healthy than to give and return love. After decades, what's the point in soldiering on allone Nobody enjoys wandering through an empty desert. In one of my first posts I wrote about Baucis and Philemon, a couple from ancient Greek mythology. For their hospitality, the gods rewarded their wish to be together for as long as they could. Upon their death, they became trees. But even trees have to go some day. "Goodbye my love." "Goodbye my love." Harsher words have never been spoken. This is it. The here and now is all we have. And if you're truly lucky, whatever happens, good or bad, you deal with it together. Even if the outlook is grim, facing it together is a privilege. If it happens to the two of you and you can, you're blessed.
Mum passed away exactly ten years ago this summer. In the days leading up to her death, I had this recurring dream that my love would fall out of the sky, in the car seat right next to me. Somehow everything would be allright. That did not happen, but one crucial night she saved my live. Not sure if she keeps up with my blogging adventures, but I never told her this in person. Whenever Dad and I are at the hospital, I see mostly elderly couples. His burden is her burden and vice versa. Remember how I wrote about Harm Me To Hurt You. It's that kind of connection - done right. Yes, we both dabbled a bit in kink but it's not why we love each other. Once told her: the woman? Always. The woman and the mistress? Even better. Just the mistress? Never. She smiled.
Mistress is always right? Nonsense. Cannot disagree with the woman you love? What is she to you then, some sort of kinky crash test dummy? If you love her, speak up. Send her to see the doctor. Sorry, I mean, we should go see your GP because I'm worried about you. I'll drag you if I have to. Always remember, whatever comes next, we'll do it together. And yes that includes holding hands when it's crunch time at the doctor's office. D'oh. Disagree with her when you have. That's love too. What if you have kids together? And we all know proper parenting means Mom and Dad are equals. Rises way above any kind of silly game you can come up with. If you hope to spend the rest of your lives together, there's more than femdom. She was always ahead of me. Basket for our mobiles so we can have proper family dinners. Excellent. Yes, that's my girl too, the woman who, if she could, would have her phone surgically implanted in her arm. She even offered to go camping trip with me. Imagine. I just smiled, outside and inside. Very much not her thing but she wanted to try it. By now I imagine she's writing the ultimate guide on how to win any man's heart. When she does, it's gonna sell out in seconds.
Most of the time people are just stupid individuals, I am. Initially there is little difference between being hit by a ton of bricks and struck with love. But when it happens to two people at the same time - me still not being aware of the transitional proces I'm being in - and she calls you one morning, wow. And then again. Oh, did I already call you? Twice she tells you the exact same thing, that she loves you. I was in bed, floating. A little later the phone rings a second time. Same thing all over. I'm happy to have survived so much bliss. The night before a 'friend' slipped some MDMA in her drink. My Angel doesn't remember a thing. It's both beautiful and sad. If two people are so deeply connected, this should be a shared memory. It wasn't. Her precious gift to me to cherish forever.
On the other hand, the absurd amount of trust she put in me, a stranger at the time, is breathtakingly overwhelming. How can any man live up to that? A beautiful burden, yes, but nevertheless a burden. Don't worry it's a happy burden.
Love is crazy and if it isn't, you're probably with the wrong person. Ours is. Then it ended, the chewing gum way. Try to tear it apart. We kept on talking, kind of irregular but who says time is linear. I remember one special night when the doctors had given up hope on Mum. Being me - and exhausted - I technically messaged her on t+1: 'hey. today. anniversary.' Trust me, seeing my phone flicker up just moments later is unlike anything else. Especially that night. And no, I didn't tell her. But right there and then something she said a while back, came to mind. "When my Mom passes away, I'll be very sad." That night we talked about the weather or something. And Ascott I think.
Another time after we broke up, she fell ill, seriously ill. After a day or so without any kind of reply I was worried. That's not her. Passport ready on my desk, staring back at me, so I bought a last minute ticket. About 90 minutes before I was about to leave, she texted. Friends just dropped by with soup. Some may find it odd. Just remember this: your ex doesn't tell you she is gravely ill - and worried about 'the fam' - if she doesn't want you in her life. Anyway, I threw out the ticket.
Don't worry, this is no some half-baked attempt at getting back together after all this time. She went her way and I went mine. If you truly love someone, you do leave a piece of your heart behind. Beautiful, isn't it? Imagine two people falling in love. Hard. One night she shows it in such a way that the brakes come off for all eternity. Impressive? Yes? Never a burden. Still you keep on wondering how you can live up to her expectations. Quick reminder, this is a story about two people, hopelessly in love. Her happiness is all that matters. Don't worry, she and I share an unique rhythm to connect. It just flows naturally. It's good, as in really good. Don't worry, it's gonna happen to you too one day. Just be yourself. And say hello when you see her.
There is no such thing as 'they made it'. What does it even mean? Two people married for 50-plus years and nobody knows whether or not they were happy. But hey they made it. So what? I love her. She loves me. This time zero assumption or arrogance. To love each other and being together are necessarily the same thing.
Back in 2013 Mom couldn't go on anymore. Our Mother passed away shortly after seeing her granddaughter one last time. Mum waited for her. To this day I wonder what seeing her granddaughter must have meant to her. As for us, not all lovers spend a lifetime together, no regrets. OK, would've been nice, very nice. And yes, in those days before Mom died, there was nothing I wanted more than for her to be by my side. I needed her by my side. All it took was just one word. But that wouldn't be fair. One night, before we fell asleep, she asked: 'what will your family say when you bring home a black girl for Christmas?'
It's difficult to translate emotions into words. What I really meant back then was
not for her to fall out of the sky to give me strength, but to meet Mom. "Hi
Mom, this is Her." And everything would be alright. Only last year we found
out the secret hell Mom's life had been. Now I crave the impossible even more.
The day she died Mom said something beautiful. "Just love each other, it's all
there is." So true. Real love, long, short, today, tomorrow or yesterday,
whether you're together or not, lasts forever. I know she loves
me. And I love her. It's one thing to love someone and another thing to tell
them you do. Apart from the memories, the best thing perhaps is that I finally
understand it's better to say you love rather than to assume they know. So I
started telling those I love, I love them more often. Here we go:
I love you.
"Would you care to repeat what I just said?"
