That's Mistress Van Helsing To You

The BBC does self-flaggelation better than anyone else, but is it any good? 

"My name is Mistress Van Helsing, Count. Is that tomato ketchup or are you [secretly] happy to suffer for me?" (Image: Dracula, BBC)

Now that the holidays are over, I need a break. Christmas is not the time of year to recharge - nor is it the best way.

It's gotten so bad that I can't even come up with a single way to link the latest doctor Who episode to something femdommy. Clearly the doctor Who team isn't impressed with their work either. Why else would they skip the Christmas special two years in a row for just another New Year's episode? Kylie to the rescue. But where's Kylie when you need her?

Last Wednesday Spyfall premiered on the BBC and it was a dud. Clearly intended to mock either James Bond or 007, a significant difference, it was on the road to nowhere. Come this Sunday, it still is. Technically what comes next is spoilers, so be [ever so slightly] warned.

Aliens [new & improved, now 20 percent more diabolic] are taking over the planet for about an hour. Next week we'll discover they've failed thanks to the Doctor. Yawn, yawn. The good news is that the Master is back, which is also a bit of bad news, meaning that Missy - I still prefer the name "the Mistress" - is really dead. So sad.

The new Master is delightfully different. The only thing that is missing from his self-absorbed introduction is the phrase "hello sweetie." One can only hope. Other than that, Spyfall is 60 minutes of non-stop misery. Even the online comments can't make anything of it. The actor who plays the Master,  has been mentioned as a Doctoral candidate earlier on. Wouldn't it be nice if the current Master reincarnates as the 14th Doctor? And no, I didn't come up with that myself, so I need that break desperately.

Christmas 2019 on linear television was terrible. Imagine you're all fired-up and festive when Christmas Evening comes, so you watch the latest rehash of A Christmas Carol. Technically it has something to do with the spirit of the season but it turns out utterly boring and depressing. The only thing it achieves is to make you hate Christmas. You don't even want to watch that kind of show for Halloween. It's so dark, a revised version of Bleak House meets The Walking Dead feels like Carnival in Venice by comparison.

If you feel Charles Dickens' rehashed tale is awful, spare a moment for Dracula. Don't worry, I won't joke about findommes who suck [and suck] at being financial vampires, today I'll leave that to others. [1] The BBC never fails to outshine itself when it comes to referring people to the competition. Simply put, Dracula is torture. Glue your slave to the couch and make him watch. That'll be the last time ever, he calls you Mistress. It will shatter any submissive or masochistic bone left in his body and for good reason.

Never read the original 400-page novel Mr. Stoker wrote. But I do know that Van Helsing is the good one and Dracula the bad one. Sort of at least, the Transylvanian does what he has to survive. Sometimes things get a little messy in the process.

Dracula 2020 is developed by Mark Gatiss and Steven Moffat, the team responsible for doctor Who and Sherlock. While the title Sherlock is genius, Dracula clearly sucks and not just for the obvious reasons [beforehand]. Still don't care who Van Helsing is, but she is back. She? Yes, she. Sister Van Helsing is a sacrilegious nun whose one and only passion is to hunt down Dracula. Agatha Van Helsing is the one you'll remember long after, not Count Drabula.

Sorry to drift this far fom femdom, but like I said I need to recharge, urgently. If you haven't seen it, you may wonder where's the kink connection. In the first episode an angry Dracula attacks the monastery, but can't enter without being invited. Sister Van Helsing opens the gate and taunts him, mocks hima and humiliates him because of that. The almighty creature of the night can't get in. His desperation is palpable and it makes her taunt him even more. Outsiders will never know, but the scene is one of the most intense humiliation scenes in 21th century television. Past, present and future [sorry, couldn't resist]. It's so diabolical that if you captured the essence of the on-screen power exchange and translated it into a real mistress - slave interaction, it would increase the 20 to one slave-mistress ratio many times.

Still, even that diabolical scene is not enough to endure the show. So I did. Because I live to serve. Or more likely because I turned on the telly. Probably the latter. Bad choice, I know.

By now the show is on Netflix, but no matter how awesome Sister Van Helsing - did I mention the Van Helsings are of Dutch descent? - she won't win first prize for most impressive television domme this year. Still, that's Mistress Van Helsing to you.

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From now on: sucker for pony tails. (Image: Gomorra)

On January first Netflix also dropped the fourth series of Gomorra, an Italian crime drama television series. In season two, Patrizia, a distant relative of the ruling gang, is being introduced. By series four she has risen through the ranks and is now donna Patrizia. The beauty of femdom is that you understand why you like certain TV characters so much. The rest of the world loves donna Patrizia for the same reasons, but don't has a clue as to why. Let's keep that our little secret. Isn't femdom fabulous?

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Notes:
[1] Neither will I joke about how the OWK could have earned some extra cash by renting out the castle for filming Dracula. Wouldn't dare to mock such an "exclusive" destination.

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