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| Of course it only happens when you feel so dominant. |
1. Why?
One day, some years ago I was as high on a happy vibe as I’ll ever be, I finished my writing with some scathing comment on just how useless management consultants really are. Advising a business is all about making money from problems no-one else considered an issue before. I was reminded of just that when I read Miss Pearl’s post.
For a while now I’ve been researching the 20-1 domme deficit. It’s how I ran into Miss Pearl, explaining why she’ll never be a pro-domme. Why does anyone feel the need to explain two unrelated things? It is as silly as me writing about why I’ll never be a pro-rebel. And yes that is funny!
The preliminary results of my research seem to indicate kink-oriented women and men look for something different in a partner. A bit contentious but most likely it goes back to fundamental differences between men and women, aka Venus vs Mars.
A second informal conclusion is that men and women face a similar pattern of hit and miss but for different reasons. Dommes find potential subs lacking the desired attitude. Subs in return look for women who are at least part vanilla dominant. Note how that definition does not include an overwhelming need to be served or worshipped, just because. It is something very much rooted in real life. The women’s pattern of rejection is less visible, due to the fact they don’t formally apply for the position of domme.
2. Me upset?
One year on I’m still wondering just what got me so cross.[1] I’m into kink, for the most part something I cannot explain.[2] Besides (mistress says) I have better things to do. I just love how something dark and deliciously devious yet wicked turns the impossible into art. Art does not exist for art’s sake. It is about what makes people happy. To me femdom is part of that. It makes me complete. Soit. [3] I hate that I cannot share my love for all things dark with the rest of the world. Not without consequences. Nothing I can do will ever change that. Still, I don’t like it.
Femdom’s alternative reality has this elusive quality, which is hard to put into words. Perhaps it is similar to what Machiavelli wrote about the difference between amoral and immoral. Sometimes you understand and nod your head. Other times, you’re just baffled.
There are those who have a hard time respecting other people’s choices. If you are one of th... Whatever. We all want something different. Pro dommes – unlike E.L. Gray – play a big part in creating a more positive attitude towards kink. To most outsiders they are the face of femdom. Vanilla journalists turn to pro-dommes for answers when they want to write about BDSM. Still, that is not the main reason pro-dommes are a central pillar of the kink community.
You simply cannot complain about mainstream credibility and dis pro dommes at the same time. But even if you could, why would you? You fear them? Do they smear the good name of “well-behaved” lifestyle dommes or what?
It is easy to say who cares you are not into pro-domming? Don’t worry, I’m glad I didn’t opt for medical school either. You won’t hear me brag about the number of patients dying in the operating theater. OK, that is cheap. The dead cannot voice their displeasure. Express your opinion out in the open makes you fair game. Goes for me too. But as a slave, I’m supposed to be into humiliation. That means, this is one you cannot win.
Business is not pleasure. That does not mean everything is for sale – or should be. Pro-dommes who care about their clients and take their business seriously, turn down the occasional slave. No match equals no fun. It makes sense. Paid for or not, chemistry matters. Don’t get it? Think a little harder, chemistry does not add to the experience, it is a prerequisite.
Miss Pearl’ main argument is that people confuse lifestyle for pro-dommes. [4] I doubt it. Being Dutch, the nuances of the English language are often lost upon me. [5] Despite that, her post feels like a passive aggressive attack on pro-dommes. Mess with my happiness and I’ll get cross. That’s just one reason. It is never about the domme. What matters is the wow factor. Looks and lust often point us in new and unfamiliar directions. Unexpected perhaps, but in the end it is all about gravity. It is the best word I can come up with for falling under the spell of a woman who is also a domme. Life is simple: “Wow equals Gravity” It’s not only the secret formula to happiness. It’s what turns a Woman into a Goddess.
3. Confused? Who? Me?
On to the the main act. Like I said, I doubt it, people mix up lifestyle and pro.
“We need to stop acting like there is no difference between sex work femdom and fun femdom. And we need to stop pretending that clients are the same thing as sub boyfriends/girlfriends and husbands/wives.”
Personally I never confuse one for the other. [6] Most men who have a wife at home don’t either. But I was baffled. It is not what you argue but how you craft your argument. Getting under people’s skin with carefully choosen words, meant to emphasize the difference between two things that are beyond comparison: Njet. I know, I do it all the time. I have to win. Still, I wonder what is actually being compared here? Is it sex work femdom and fun femdom or is there a different message hiding underneath altogether? I can’t decipher it. Still I don’t like it.
That leaves the question of why label pro-domming as sex work femdom and lifestyle domme fun as proper femdom. If the former isn’t fun, there obviously isn’t much money in it. It is a highly unpleasant way to skew an argument in your favour by influencing the reader in a most inapropriate way.
“[pro-dommes] weren’t an inherently bad thing."
When did that change? A double negative usually emphasizes something distastefull. Perhaps it also reflects the author’s point of view. Why not write “pro-dommes are a good thing” or perhaps “pro-dommes can be a good thing”? But a double negative? Guess Sigmund Freud continues to outsmart us all.
4. All about the money? - It always is.
Money is an ever growing influence on femdom – but not on BDSM as a whole. An exponentional increase in the number of women who offer long-distance findom-only “services” leaves a not so glorious money trail. It also highlights the difference between femdom and maledom. Society imposes different roles on both sexes. Just like Miss Pearl, I struggle with the difference between love and lust.[7] And I am proud of it. The influence of money can be traced back to the different demands society puts on men and women. codified in female and male gender role models. It is not something uniquely related to femdom. With the rise of a new class of findommes-only and the emphasis many lifestyle dommes increasing place one a slave who is “in the money” the lines between pro and lifestyle gett blurred. It does reflect bad on the “community” and threatens the future of femdom.
Last year Britain banned “extreme porn” to make their island a safer place. It won’t help. Research shows the two of them are unrelated. In a similar vein, it is too convenient blaming pro-dommes for whatever ills. And no Dr. Sue doesn’t count.
5. World Series of Love - Boys vs Girls
Several female dominants write about their struggle to find a compatible submissive partner. Welcome to the club. If you are a submissive male, there are countless posts on how to ignore who you are and become the perfect slave. There aren’t many blogposts advising dominant women on how to change their persona, so they can attract more suitable candidates. Coincidence? Not dommely I guess. Reading between the lines, some dommes have difficulty stepping out of character. Such behaviour is a red flag for most prospective slaves. Everyone defines dominance differently, but one common element is the ability to switch in and out of the kink bubble. It's how life works. Part of it has to do with the eternal divide between men and women. Different sex, different rules. To men, no sex means no love. For women it often is no love, no sex. That’s gonna leave a mess. Feel free to substitute any BDSM or femdom related word for either love or sex. So it’s complicated. Ha ha ha.
Perhaps male-led relationships flip-flop easier back and forth because people are programmed to operate in a world where men are (supposedly) in charge. But it doesn’t really matter.
6. Beyond money and gender
Still, money and sex don't explain Miss Pearl’s views on pro-dommes. If a lifestyle domme is a woman first, so is a pro domme. Despite some nominal supportive sisterhood comments, that is not what I read. Then again, I am just a no-brain slave, breaking the rules by having an opinion in the first place.
I work in Finance, but am nothing like the “Wolf of Wallstreet.” They are very different concepts. Miss Pearl’s article carries an illustration. The caption says: “[pro and life style] Not completely interchangeable concepts” Of course not. Whoever decided you can compare the two of them in the first place? Incidentally, it highlights one of the plusses of sessioning with a pro-domme. Or perhaps it doesn’t. That is, if you are into being killed by your mistress. RTFM these days stands for Run from That Freakin’ Mistress, I assume. When it comes to femdom, people never get tired of pointing out the differences between life and pro – dropping hints of how superior their choice is in the process. Snap out of it. Kink is play. Serious play, but still play.
If lifestyle dommes are superior to pro dommes – ‘the latter can be fun even while bending to their client's wishes according to Miss Pearl – what does that say about those lifestyle “dommes” who cannot find a compatible submissive partner? If pro-dommes cannot exist without paying clients (Miss Pearl) – duh! – is the dominance of lifestylers a mere reflection in the window of what they aspire to be, depending upon who looks into to it? Snowwhite’s evil queen ring a bell, anyone?
7. Competition. Yikes!
Politicians, like consultants, answer questions no-one ever asks or cares about. It makes them look good on TV. They believe. In a similar vein one can win the debate, but loose the argument:
"Like, for example, pro-dommes face industry competition of errm, full service sex workers (generally sneered at as “hookers with whips”) who dilute their brand and encourage customers who want sex and dominance to demand both, or who offer less competent ‘budget’ approaches to dominance and fetish."
First of all: shorter sentences. That’s more my kind of thing – because I’m uhmm, Dutch. Then there is the word “errm”. It is there for one reason only. To emphasize what comes next: “full service sex workers”. If that isn’t “bad” enough the author punches below the belt by elaborating it is colloquial for: “hookers with whips”. Apparently something people “sneer” at. Is that really necessary?
So much pent-up nastiness in a single line. According to the author pro-dommes and full service sex workers are in the same industry. An introduction into the hypothesis that the latter somehow dilute the brand by encouraging men to look for both sex and submission. Read on and Miss Pearl explains how BDSM is part of her sexual identity, which is being high-jacked.
The author continues to emphasize the negative. Full service sex workers are bad – compared to pro--dommes – because they offer the “full package” to customers who want both sex and submission. At the same time money is sneakily introduced once again. Forget “or” All readers do. All they hear is “less competent” equals “budget.” I’ll skip the “how can you tell” part. It gives more time to ponder why budget equals less competent. You can ignore that, but you shouldn’t dismiss the under water part of the iceberg which compares pro-dommes to “hookers with whips”. Of course the author also emphasizing the latter is not really something worth desiring.
The circus hasn’t left town. Not by a long shot and the freak show continues:
“Prodoms are to lifestyle as porn is to real people sex.”
It’s that same, silly comparison all over again. Come on, please. The majority of people believe BDSM has absolutely zero to do with sex – and even less with love. Remember when you crossed over to the Dark Side for the first time? We all got that jar full of cookies. Inside was a rule book, courtesy of the femdom police.
So Prodoms are to lifestyle as porn is to real people sex” What? Now really? Is that what reading Fifty Shades does to people? The only man in the world who can afford to live the 24/7/non/stop prodomme lifestyle is Christian Grey. Not only does he not exist, he couldn’t care less. Other side of the fence, you know. It also highlights another element. You can enjoy kink without a pro-domme but also without living the lifestyle. Some people actually have a life outside femdom and love a woman for more than the kinky part of her.
My sex is with real people. As in two people in one bed which for the lucky ones is too big for the both of them. On the best of days, I wake up early in the morning with her in my arms. Without her realizing, she pulls me closer. She always gets what she wants. After which she goes back to sleep with a smile on her face. Not that she remembers when she wakes up. She is in my arms, but I’m hers. Deeper, more intense and more complete than any mistress will ever own a slave.
On a side note, I don’t do dry spells.[8] Don’t have to. My love – terms and conditions do apply – is also real. I oughta write that in capitals. Not that it really matters, but it makes me happy, profoundly so. Happiness, another thing that is real in my life. So is pain. Did I forget to mention I am the most submissive guy in the universe? That rielly is the riellest thing I ever told anyone.
8. Sex
It’s complicated. Oh come on Dr. Phil! No, it really is not. I like women. I am attracted to many of them. A kinky mind is not required. Some I even love – one way or another. If anything ever turned me into a slave, it is love. Nothing else. Not attraction, desire & dominance, hot kink or my budding inner sub and especially not sexuality. Even though love is what truly connects two people, sexual chemistry matters. And I love it. Just like the women I’ve met. So when the nasty gets even nastier, I’m upset.
"Now some pros may just be naturally promiscuous women"
Really? Why? It reminds me of that one statistic where 60 percent of men in a monogamous relationship admitted – anonymously of course – to being unfaithfull whereas only 20 percent of women said they had been. But that ain’t the point. It is just another low. Whether the argument is that pro-dommes steal prospects from lifestyle dommes or more general pro’s interfere with the sexual satisfaction of a self-confessed female dominant, it does not matter. Why say some pro’s are natural promiscuous women? Who cares? At least fifthy percent of the planet doesn’t. Unfortunately for those who believe it does matter, the other half includes one hundred percent of potential slaves. On top of that, it is nasty. Submissive slaves with their pants down probably nod in agreement with the author, but no man who takes pride in calling himself a man, will ever agree. This is bad. Real bad. Let me rephrase that into something most men can agree with:
"Now some women may just be natural gold diggers, who fake their dominance."
The great majority of women however, are not. But it doesn’t stop there. Those women are not only potentially “naturally promiscuous” but also “simply paid to do what they love,” I beg you pardon. I thought we were having a mature discussion about why the author is not into pro-domming. It is hard enough to accept the very notion of why anybody cares about that in the first place. Yet all of a sudden I find myself lost when I read words such as “promiscuous”, “dommes” and “women” in one sentence.
9. Enter The Genius
"Yes, many Einsteins who work as geniuses are just as much as smart as I am. Einstein is as capable of incomprehensible calculations as I am. I’m not smarter than he is. [Me more alive, yes] But right now there is a serious problem between confusing the standards of Einstein’s General Theory of Relativity and my absurd bullshit and it needs to stop."
Oops, typo. Please try again:
"Yes, many women who work as pros are just as much a dominant as I am. They are as capable of dominating as I am. I’m not better than them. But right now there is a serious problem between confusing the standards of their work with my dominance and it needs to stop."
This is from the woman who later on expresses her desire to “feel dominant”. Us men, we don’t do feelings. It’s boring, annoying and the opposite of everything that is steamy, sexy and hot. In the end I’m not as smart as E=MC2, mainly ‘cause all of it doesn’t make sense to me. Ever wondered what the hungry lion thinks when he has that zebra for lunch? Absolutely nothing. Best translated as “me so hungry”. To him dominance equals food. He doesn’t rave about it. Nor does he beg for prezzies. He never even heard of the word. He just fills his stomach. Again and again.
The only serious problem I see here is flawed logic. “confusing the standards of their work with my dominance.” Sometimes I too, say silly things when I am drunk. Quite often the same thing happens when I am not. But my friends always forgive me. Like that one time where I compared califlower to... I forgot. But it was silly.
To reinforce the idea of a balanced argument, throw some more praise your opponent’s way, but don’t forget to sneak in a bit of nasty. “If they’re any good” is an excellent example.
“Prodoms, if they’re any good, deserve their self title as experts. Many of them are good sex educators. I would turn to them in a heart beat for advice on topping techniques- and they’re a good source of how tos on safe ties and walloping people. I might, tentatively ask them about weird sub behaviour, like aftercare need variances.”
Heart surgeons, if they are any good, deserve their self title as experts . They better do. It is ugly. That is all I can say about it. Who gave pro-dommes their “self title as expert?” They didn't. Miss Pearl does. It allows the author to highlight the selfish part of it. Still on the topic of femdom, the conversation somehow turns towards pro-dommes being good sex educators. You lost me. Perhaps because I am not smart enough to be a domme. Probably the reason I’m a lowly slave. But on a deeper level it is meant to reinforce the emphasis of lifestyle over pro-domme [linking it to both sex and money].
What worries me is how a lifestyle domme still has to turn to pro-dommes for advice. Ever heard about the one who rules us all. She, who dominates the internet: Mistress Google? Try it.
10. But not any job
“At the end of the day it is a job”Yes of course it is. You also don’t know why women opt for a career as a pro-domme. Perhaps they love it, maybe they don’t. Most people however, have bills to pay and often mouths to feed – especially of those who depend on you. So shut up and show some class. But above all: don’t judge!
But the author already knew when she sat down behind her keyboard. So why did she write all of this? There is no point. Like I said, I work in Finance. Usually you get two bonuses annually, sometimes three. It depends. Some you win, others you loose. But mess with my basic pay – all of which I hand over to my riel lifestyle mistress obviously – and next time boss lady will find herself discussing the wrong numbers when she visits HQ. We all have to make a living. Does it really matter I spend my nights chained naked in the basement?
“my sexuality has been hijacked into something that gets men off”
If that really is the case, how about reasserting your dominance and setting things straight? After all the female body is to most men, what the size of his wallet is to her. All women are fantasy objects to us. All! Not all male wallets are fantasy objects to women, but when you are in your early 20s, his future earnings potential usually is. So stop complaining and get real world. Deal with it. May I suggest the dommely way?
Despite what the cry babies say, in a 20 - 1 slave surplus universe, dominant women are at an advantage. Anyone worthy of the title domme, should at least have a basic clue as to how to make that work to their advantage. Preferably for the best of both you and your slave(s).
If a woman cannot excercise even the least bit of dominance, perhaps she oughta be glad to be considered an object of desire. After all, isn’t that what lifestyle dommes tell prospective slaves? Get with the poly programme, it is your only hope of being in the service of a riel dominant woman. Ever!
What make the post such a hard read – technically speaking of course – is that the author uses the same trick over and over again. Compare two things, you simply cannot compare at all. Highlight your point by choosing your words carefully – aka not in a neutral way – and it almost makes sense. So close. Not.
Devalue pro-dommes – many of them who explicitly state no sex, no nakedness. ever, for the benefit of us men who go on-line with our pants down - by sugesting “industry competition” and add something about “getting it for less” to keep us focused on the freebies.
What I find most surprising is that it is written by a woman who defines herself in terms of how attractive her niche sexuality is to some men. And how little she understands about the diversity that rules boy-girl attraction. Looks and lust are a mere introduction to something much more.
In the vanilla world, people simply point out, this is how it works for some. It is not how it works for most men however. Just look around at all those couples and tell me, is the only reason he is with her because of her sexuality? Some of the most beautiful women are also the most boring ones when it comes to sex. As if they are think, you got me, game over. A beautiful woman who gently turns down a man in the vanilla world, is considered a huge loss by any man. We understand and accept. Some however get nasty and we are glad they do, as in rather sooner than later. Yes I understand it is personal. It also doesn’t make sense. never compare apples with pears (hey I’m Dutch). If you do not like the way the world works, don’t take it out on those who are not to blame. I love the dark cookies – and a few other devious things besides that. But faced with reading material like this, it makes me run for cover from the dark side, rather than submerge in it.
The femdom universe is messed up, I agree. To me, it helps to highlight the corruptive influence of money and privilege. But what really turns submissive men of, is to serve as some tool that allows women to “feel” dominant. You either are or you you ain’t. Just like women do not want to be reduced to a fetish delivery system, men with a preference for dominant women don’t want to be a vehicle that merely aids the illusion of female dominance, where there is none.
11. Dominance vs Desire
I am like really very supersmart. So smart, you cannot possible begin to comprehend. If only I were just a little smarter, I could make you understand just how smart I am. Enter the central argument: you cannot claim to be dominant. You are. Or not. It has nothing to do with kink. An overwhelming desire to feel superior doesn’t make you just that. Believe me, I’ve tried. And failed. You know what I wanna be? Really, really wanna be? I want to be a pretty boy. But hey I’m just a guy.
Being a pro-domme is difficult, no matter how much you enjoy it. Think back about John Wittingdale, Britain’s Culture Secretary who claimed he dumped “her”, the moment he found out she was working as a pro-domme. Not only do I not believe he didn’t know before. More importantly, I wonder why her job matters. He invited her to several high-profile functions. The press described the couple as being genuinely attracted to each other – whatever that means. So he cared for her, most likely loved her, yet ditches her the moment he “discovers” she works as a pro-domme. Not the kind of man you trust to rule Britannia. Not even close to being a man. Any man worth that name stands up for the woman he loves. Three strikes and you’re out, they say in America. John Wittingdale oughta be scrambling for the exit by now. He failed - not just the woman he loves - but also as a man and as a leader and politician.
We men live in the real world, whether it is kink or vanilla. Slaves always battle for the attention of prospective dommes. And the man? He just battles. Don’t feel for us. It’s part of what makes us happy. Most of us don’t shy away from a good barfight every now and then. Not that any woman will ever understand. “Yes honey, I had a couple of beers and ran into a tree. Sorry, I meant a forest.”
Part of what makes a woman real, strong, desirable, sexy and dominant is that she stands her ground in the real world. It has a knock-on effect on her domme side. Remember, it's one-way only. Dream the dream of dominance without real world achievements and you’ll soon discover your disillusions of dominance are nothing but cannon fudder for a hoard of roaming femdom fetishists that will devour you before they move on to their next prey. Yes you can whip their body into minced meat, but the real power exchange is one of the mind. Unfortunately for some, the one who is formally in control is not always the one being served.
In many ways pro-dommes are much closer to the “ideal” of a dominant woman, most men picture in their heads than most lifestyle dommes. Pro-dommes – successfully – live in the real world, face hardship and uncertainty, yet command respect and invoke envy. To hold your head up high - pay your bills and provide for the ones you love – in a world thriving on instant sound-bites and vulgarities lesser women cling on to experience a whiff of superiority – is a phenomenal achievement by anyone’s standards.
In the end pro-dommes get thrashed because they truly are strong women. Scary for some. Most people don’t even understand why and what a dominatrix does for a living, yet are intimidated nonetheless. That says it all. Not that they will ever acknowledge that fact. But remember, you do not have to agree with their job to appreciate just how much it takes in today’s world to make it as a pro-domme. Despite it all – including the occasional back-stabbing from da zizstahood – they are successful. Why they work as pro-domme doesn’t matter. All that is important, is that is a bold, difficult and irreversible choice.
If you can make it as a pro-domme in the real world - something very different from the concept of “4 uz itz riel” - you've earned your stripes. No idea what it feels like, but I know it ain’t easy. It also makes you much more attractive as a [dominant] woman - visible qualities and so on - any which way you prefer to enjoy your real world dominance - pro-domination, lifestyle or both. Or none!
We men know and understand. Perhaps that is part of the reason why pro-dommes are often disrespected by their "zizsters". How can you claim to be dominant yet fear "da competition" In the end it is not about others, but coming to grips with the reflection in the window. The fiercest battles inevitably rage deep within us. One day you look into the mirror and you are no longer able to deny the truth. Life in the shadows has been convenient, especially in a 20 to 1 world. It also is an illusion, one that has been holding you back for to long. Now that the time has come to pay the piper, you bitterly resent women who are strong and successful in the full light of day. They live their life to the max, the hard way. Perhaps they works as pro-dommes, maybe they are doctors, stay at home moms or whatever. Of course it is demanding, harsh and difficult, but in the long run shattered dreams are much more painful.
12. Recap
Everybody knows I am a super slave. Because of that I am entitled to live on a tropical island, dominated by eleven super-hot mistresses wearing tight leather outfits midday – dominating me any way I want – even when it is 40 degrees Celsius. So why does the world not look more like my reality? [9]
Don’t get me wrong. I love my kink. My deepest fantasies are so devious and deprived, I cannot even admit them to myself. Let me be blunt. I’d rather loose my heart to a pro-domme – as in a woman of strength, character and honesty and forever out of reach – than to serve a dishonest, wannabe lifestyle domme for the rest of my life. Even if that means forgoing all the perks of pleasure ‘n’ play that come with it. Yes that is correct, I happily let go of all the kink in the world to be with a woman who truly impresses me. [10]
Love, not lust, is life’s greatest reward. We all make sacrifices for that. Or so it seems, until you wake up early in the morning and she pulls you closer. Nothing in the world – not even all the whips, floggers and paddles combined – beats that.
13. Finally
Don’t judge!
Notes
[1] Some time ago, a draft of this post appeared on my blog by accident. It got 3 hits before I noticed and took it down.
[2] If you are privileged and you need something, but just can’t cut it, grow. Try, suffer, fail at first and learn from the experience. It is the only way. Your twenty year old self is not the same you as your fourty year old. It’s called life. Experience and hardship are free, yet they make all the difference.
Still that doesn’t quite explain why I am so cross. Strength by itself does not equal natural dominance, Conversely dominance cannot exist without strength either. Respect for others is a key element for what makes us strong.
To be afraid of other people’s strength – threatened by it – shows how limited some people are. It also kills part of why I love femdom. That is until a proud kinky woman, with her head held high, comes along. That doesn’t make things right though. It will never be OK, until people realize bold choices equal strength whereas cowardice, disrespect and fear signal the very opposite.
[3] Unorthodox choices always attract flack from the vanilla world. People do not understand why someone steers their life in a particular direction. If it doesn’t kill you, it’s boring familiar. But to be attacked in such a nasty way by people who should know better, that kills my kink. Even more, it is a frontal attack on my deepest believe femdom is beautiful. Not all things in life, worthwhile pursuing, follows a linear logic. Kink can be art – life is – and at its most benign is a source for good.
[4] After reading, I realized the author never answered her own question. Not in a way I understand at least. Perhaps because I am male, but then again part of her writing is directed against me and my fellow men.
Not only that, but the author crafts her (non-valid) argument predominantly in negative terms. Compare pro-dommes with sex workers, a group of women most consider “below” pro-dommes and by association you lower the status of pro dommes. Convenient because you no longer have to argue why there is a considerable distance between lifestyle dommes and pro dommes. Of course there never was in the first place, for no-one in their right mind compares the two of them. We are who we are. We all crave something. But most of us do so without thrashing others.
[5] “and they’re a good source of how tos on safe ties and walloping people. I might, tentatively ask them about weird sub behaviour, like aftercare need variances.” is one example.
[6] At the end of the day, I’m wondering, nobody ever asks a fast food employee why they choose to flip burgers for a living over a decent meal at the end of the day. Or an investment banker why he does not spend his millions instead of making more.
[7] On a number of things I do agree with Miss Pearl. My position regarding begging dommes is well known. If you are into control, humiliation perhaps, you never should rely on his money. Remember that comedy show: Married with Children. All American blue collar worker Al Bundy is the whipping boy for his stay at home wife. But so is next door neighbour, pretty boy Jefferson. He sold his soul to white collar wife Marcy. It looks like the good life, but he is at her beck and call. “Pleasure me” is an often heard phrase, when she is cross. I wonder how she bosses him around when she is not.
[8] Miss Pearl and I are not sisters, siblings, nieces or whatever. I am a man first not some kink junkie. You want me drooling on my knees, gazing at you in awe? You better come prepared. My slave call sign is for fun only. It is not how I look at the world. If forced to choose between kink or travel, I probably let go of femdom. Don’t be fooled. I love it. It is part of me. But travel runs deeper. It teaches me, shows me things I cannot imagine – no limits and more risk. I’ve visited places few people even know exist. I talk to locals – no need to speak the language. I’m also one of seven billion. One of the lucky few because I can afford it. Even luckier because I can enjoy my particular brand of sexuality without fear for persecution. Yet for some that is not enough. The burning desire to feel superior rules them. Who is the real slave here? In order to get their fix, they look down on the very threat to their happiness: women who successfully make a hard choice. Dissing dommes fear the competition, not because of what is on offer, but for it threatens their view of the world. Them on top, obviously. Now you understand why I prefer travel over kink? There are exceptions, but no need to apply.
[9] I serve no-one. I definitely do not write this because I was ordered to do so. As a man, I want to be impressed by a woman. Just like women want to be by us. There are few things in the real world that will earn you as much respect as holding your head up high. Not that we say so. The closest we come is phrases such as: “Look at her.” “That’s bold” “Sheer audacity”. Everybody – no exception – respects people who make hard – often irreversibly - choices. You do not have to understand other people’s choices, let alone judge them, but everybody knows difficult choices, show strength of character. Unfortunately sometimes respect turns into jealousy and the bashing begins.
[10 ] As a slave, I choose whom I serve. Once I’ve made up my mind however, it’s a different game altogether. A woman worth my time addresses the man, not the slave. Yes, she does so outside Femdomania and in the real world. Some (me) say this is how a woman enslaves her man. Dutch figured out long ago who he serves: the Woman, not the mistress. Unfortunately for him he does so indivisible and invisible in equal parts. Still, it is a hard sell. Now show me what you’ve got or is me craving to be [your] submissive good enough?
Tell me what is worse. A man who doesn’t stand up for the ones he loves or a dominant woman whose desperate desires makes her say nasty things about other [dominant] woman. Enter the “highly tributed lifestyle domme”. One more reason why the future of femdom is bleak.
Last year I read Miss Pearl’s 2013 blog post on why she makes a big deal about not being a pro femdomme. Other than being baffled why people believe pro-dommes and lifestyle are “similar", I don't like the article for two reasons. First the author consistently compares pro-dommes to something “inferior.” Secondly – and this is what really rattled my cage – one of the commenters explains how she felt more in touch with her inner “Dominant Woman” by moving on from being a pro-domme to a "highly tributed life style domme." Whatever. But why bashing pro-dommes?
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Highly Tributed Lifestyle Domme Part I: Don't Judge |
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Highly Tributed Lifestyle Domme Part II: Women of the Real World |
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Highly Tributed Lifestyle Domme Part III: Disagree with Miss P |
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Highly Tributed Lifestyle Domme Part IV: What was my Personal Legend again? |
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Highly Tributed Lifestyle Domme Part V: 11 Reasons to Visit a Pro-Domme |
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