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| Guidance is priceless, especially if you don't want to be there (Image Yapoo's Market 58, YMD-58) |
Consciously or otherwise we all have a list of rules when it comes to kink. For me, one of them is not to impose my preferences upon others who do not appreciate what the dark side has to offer. That means public play is out of the question. Why shock people with what they cannot possibly understand? Ask for other people’s acceptance also means accepting their preferences. Another big no concerns privacy. I’m curious about a lot of things but I do not want kinky fun to spill over – negatively – into the rest of my life. Both rules are part of why I shy away from humiliation. I honestly do not know what I feel about the whole thing anyway. Sweet and sour at the same time – as in the majority of my kink – most likely.
Just like most people, my conscious and subconscious are hardly ever in sync. I found myself wondering “What if?” on numerous occasions. I’m neither a natural submissive nor a proper masochist. As always I’m unique, which comes with its own - mindboggling - issues.
Apathy
One of the most unpleasant scenarios I can imagine is being whipped or tortured by a woman who doesn’t give a damn. Someone who doesn’t care about kink nor does she care about me or my suffering. It doesn’t make her feel powerful or turn her on in any way. It is probably the zenith of suffering without purpose. Just some woman going through the motions. Perhaps a masochist can learn to love it, but I don’t.
Part of the painful fun is about the smile on mistress' face, regretably often it includes those moments where she is smiling, when I am definetely not. Suffering by the hands of someone who doesn’t care whether she is inflicting pain or knitting a sweater takes away whatever kind of happiness I associate with kink. That ain't all. Such an experience would be humiliating beyond believe. It most certainly is too much to handle for me.
Humiliation is not my thing, but like everything in life, it is give and take. The apathic sadist I imagined above made me wonder where to draw the line. A more watered-down approach to the topic is for the slave to be used as the equivalent of a crash test dummy. It reduces him to a mere test object – whipping horse so you like – for women curious but uninitiated about femdom. Not sure I would be able to cope with it, but as far as humiliation goes, it is of the charts. If or when the day comes, I pray some part of me enjoys it, if only to allow me to process it all and say thank you mistress at the end. Twice of course.
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| "Despite it all, he does this of his own free will? Amazing. (Image Yapoo's Market 58, YMD-58) |
Why so difficult?
My kink thrives in part of being safe within a community of like-minded and - assumingly - tolerant people. Particular scenes may freak out anyone of us, but everybody knows it all takes place under an overall consensual and safe kinky umbrella.
Reminding yourself of that doesn’t make the hardship, pain, suffering and humiliation any less. What makes you survive the suffering and misery is that no-one pokes fun of your kink. They better don’t, their’s is probably stranger.
Perhaps it has to do with the fact you know others are bat-shit crazy in a different way too. I like to think there is safety in being part of a group of people that understands and accepts what most people cannot comprehend. Once inside, letting go is less difficult. But bring in outsiders – often disinterested and judgemental ones – and that essential safeguard vanishes.
Image mistress acquiring the service of some woman makes you suffer, but doesn’t care about it one bit. She is clearly outside the circle. That is bad, very bad and a no go.
Still harsh, but less intimidating is some kind of dominatrix school. Women who attend, have a budding interest in the topic of femdom. Still, being reduced to nothing more than an anatomy lesson, is hard. Add to that the idea you are part of their initiation into the world of femdom and the severity of the lesson increases manyfold.
New Frontiers
Kink for me is in part about being a pioneer, someone who discovers in one way or another. There are no more unknown landmasses left waiting to be explored, but there are many corners of my mind – both vanilla and kinky – waiting for me to delve into. Perhaps that is why I ought to try it one day. Even if I don’t like it, but mistress does, I probably should. It is an element of my complicated kink reality. Part of what makes her happy, is what makes me happy. On the other hand, if it proves too much for me to handle, it makes for the perfect opportunity for mistress to shine and not take me down that road. Still a hood at the beginning of the Emerald Road to discovery would be nice.
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| Shackles, shackles. Why mistress? I learned my lesson. Time and again. (Image Yapoo's Market 58, YMD-58) |
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