Trying to explaing what the kinky comfort zone means to me, I realized there is another element in femdom I cherish: the deep bond between two people under the most adverse of circumstances.
Trust is hard. We all got burned in the past. We will all get burned in the future. Despite that, stop trusting others is the worst we can do. Trust matters. Trust, but be smart about it. Especially when it comes to S&M and you are literally helpless, when you find yourself at the mercy of your mistress.
Too many slaves blog with their pants down. [Full disclosure: right now I am wearing a three piece suit and tie. Yes I took off my coat, but my hat is still on.] Somehow all those semi-naked slaves whose brains descended into their belly while writing, forgot pain hurts. By its very nature, it does: a lot. Yes sometimes there is the endorphine rush that helps to compensate, but the pain never really goes away. And you remember. Boy, do you remember. Before and after. Once the next round of fun starts, you know what is ahead. Why do you do it? No idea, animal instinct perhaps? But the show must go on. Does continued suffering make you a “good slave?” No, the good ones understand it is about more than to suffer indiscriminately. It begs the question, who the woman behind the mistress can rely upon as a man, when the exchange of power is completely absent and there is nothing to be had in return.
And yes, there is also something as the archetypical good mistress. Blasphemy you say? Mistress is always right? Pull up your pants please. Desire is a bitch. Open the fridge and you see all that yummy food. Of course you want to stuff yourself, but you don’t. Why? For one because it’s not good for you.
One of the key differences between a sadist and a masochist is that there is a limit to how much suffering anyone can take. One can always dish out more lashes, but at some point the physical body breaks down.
As a teenager, like so many, I dabbed in martial arts. I remember one fighter who had a daily routine where he kicked a lamp post hundreds of times. Over the years, the nerve endings in his sheens got so badly damaged, they couldn’t register pain anymore. Exactly what he was looking for. He became the – insane – fighting monster he always wanted to be. In his fourth or fifth professional fight he broke his leg or something, but didn’t noticed. Just as he was about to take another swing at his opponent, he placed his weight on the wrong leg and fell. Right when the other guy hit him full force, expecting to land the kick on a different body part. It ended his fighting career and most of his life.
The concept of matter over minds caps how much any slave can suffer. Luckily most subs reach their mental limit long before their body breaks down. I have no idea how sadism works but as with most things, more is usually better. The hunger for the next fix to be bigger than the one before, grows over time. More to get the same buzz. Unfortunately with age, the body begins to break down, on top of being desensitized from all the suffering it endured.
Sadism at its purest is a desire to inflict pain and suffering. Especially when the element of pleasure is completely absent. One of the most fascinating aspects of consensual sadism is how people manage to strike a balance between their destructive desires and how they care. That must be hard. I’ve often wondered how many sadists suffer from limited empathy. That would be a shame. Lack of empathy is not only dangerous, it reduces your ability to derive pleasure from your partner’s suffering. That not only feels contradictory, it’s an arrangement that benefits nobody.
Recently the DSM IV declassified BDSM. Its downgrade benefits many. One example is those embroided in a bitter divorce, fighting over custody for their kids. To me it also marks the difference between consensual and non-consensual. Non-consensual sadists are psychopats, dangerous elements that need to be eradicated. Consensual sadists – I assume this is how it works – have a need to inflict pain and suffering, but also posses a quality that allows them to limit themselves, which create a sustainable balance between give and take.
Of course they want more. More is also something of a dual nature. Every time you play the choice between give and take presents itself. I love that. Those who want more, but take less, posses an unrivalled beauty. They are in control of their desires, which is probably the hardest thing anyone ever has to master.
When desire goes so much deeper than what is visible to the naked eye, yet never surfaces, shows how they are in control of their desires. To control oneself is perhaps the ultimate in dominance. For some it is also one more reason to surrender to her. By displaying her ability to take less – despite her need – mistress displays her inner strength. Realizing that inner strength allows a slave to surrender in another, more profound way. In a consensual world, she will never be able to have all that she wants. At the same time the slave’s ability to give has its limits. Their mutual realisation there is a limit to give and take, shows there is a deeper connection between the two of them. One that transcends the concept of mistress and slave. For the lucky ones the real connection is between two people. Forged by restraint and based on trust. There is no better reason to surrender yourself to your mistress than the realization that part of her strength and dominance comes from her ability to hold herself back. There is strength in letting go without hesitation. To completely surrender, knowing very well, she takes all she can, but no more. No less either.
That very concept of balance is not necessarily unique to BDSM but is the foundation of many relationships. Yet given the inequality between mistress and slave, to find such a connection within a mistress-slave dynamic, without forgetting what really matters is the people underneath, is sheer poetry.
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