'Smart' Male Chastity Device Can Be Controlled By Hackers, Users Warned

Lockdown those Loins forever.

Thought the Internet of Things was bad? The internet of chastity devices controlled exclusively by Bluetooth is worse. [1]

"Houston, have you seen my phone?"

Don't know how you like to start your Sunday morning, but I like to read the paper, serious news and so on. OK, I skip over the Corona segment, but technology is still my thing.

Imagine my surprise when I first discovered The Guardian considers remote controlled sex toys, high tech. It's not that only this week people for the first time suddenly found out sex toys can be hacked. Tell me again why it is so important to send customer feedback halfway around the world to the manufacturer when you use your vibrator that is connected to the internet? To receive a text message back, telling you that your next door neighbour has had more machine orgasms this week?

On some level that makes sense, because it's Locktober, the month during which half the world's population is locked up in some kind of chastity device. If he has no orgasms for 30 days, she has to make up for the difference. It has something to do with cosmic elements, karma or yin and yang. After all, humanity needs to produce a minimum number of orgasms every month to ensure Gaia's cosmic balance is kept. And because Gaia loves all her children, both male and female, she doesn't care who comes more often. [2]

Inside joke for my fellow country men: "Papa wat doet die wortel voor het paard van Sinterklaas daar?"

If you have locked your slave in a Bluetooth-controlled Cellmate device at the beginning of Locktober, remember it can only be unlocked via an app. Users have been warning that the Chinese company's device can be locked remotely by hackers. No doubt a dream come true for some, then again, even in my dreams permanent chastity sounds like fun. [3]

The manufacturer just released a Youtube video on how to unlock your chastity device with a simple screwdriver, when nothing else works. Am I the only one who sees the irony of this?

“Compared to Cellmate, wearing a traditional chastity cage – often made of steel – with a classic padlock is much riskier. If you lose the key, you actually would need a grinder or bolt-cutter to remove the cage.”

In fact, I prefer a bolt-cutter, one snap and the padlock springs open. Much safer than messing with a screwdriver near my private parts.

"Alex Lomas of Pen Test Partners (PTP), which released the research report, questioned the screwdriver manoeuvre." On Twitter the author discusses his main concern, that of privacy.

Old school is still the best.
(Image: mistress Dionne Grif)

"Firstly, the problem is not just about an emergency escape, it's about being able to access the private messages, information, and location of all your users."

"And even if it were about being locked in, a single steel padlock failing is annoying, but being able to lock in/out hundreds of your users AT THE SAME time is a bigger problem. Are you offering 24x7 support phones lines?

And all of this depends on your servers too."

So the real problem is not being unable to escape from your involuntary prison but your most intimate data streamed directly to hacker servers. Maybe The Guardian was right after all to post this article under technology. But if that's the cage, uhm case, also treat the topic with the respect it deserves, rather than creating a headline grabbing story only to shy away from sharing a link to the actual Youtube instructions.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was my first newspaper article this Sunday morning. Next up in technology is "The new breed of pet tech. From ball launchers to activity trackers." I immediately checked my calendar to see if it's April Fools' Day already. No, it's still Locktober.

In other news today: your chastity device looks like an electric shaver.

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[1] That line is slightly adjusted from an article on ZDnet.

[2] If you feel this is a lack of parental oversight from Gaia's part, I agree. Don't get upset, just think for a moment what exactly that means.

[3] And no, I'm still not volunteering. I'm awake and the dream is over.

[4] Just noted that Femdom Resource wrote about the involuntary, voluntary, involuntary locked device yesterday.

[5] A certain Stanley told the same tale and ended up ordering the wrong set of screwdrivers. Stahlwille rules, just saying. (Freddy's Tales)

[6] Clearly Stanley is fascinated by flawed chastity devices, because he also wrote about it the day before. Apparently the Chinese company who made them, already sold 40.000 of those jailbreak devices at $ 189 a piece. (Freddy's Tales)

[7] PS Stanley, you're clearly no stranger to high tech. Why is it then that when I try to leave a comment on your website, I have to login to Wordpress, because a decade ago I signed up for a gravatar. No other way to show my appreciation for you writing about your screwdriver collection than signing into an account I have no longer access to.