"That's Mistress Parrot to you!" and other Cheesy Slave Chores

Why spend more time on educating the general audience, if kinksters are only good for poking fun at? Some examples from the Comedy Central website.

In part II of why more kink on TV doesn't equal increased mainstream acceptance, the silliest things we do for lust.

Researching kink online can be challenging. We men are always interested in naked women and the internet offers plenty of that. Normally I would say "viva la internet" but when you are looking for actual facts with your pants zipped, it gets annoying. Delving into the world of television and kink, I stumbled upon Comedy Central and their unique take on dominance and submission. Don't be too curious, you can sum it up in one word: "really?"

Of course the network was looking for hilarious stories - and they found them. The overall tone is one of: this is unbelievable, people really do that?, mixed with a generous dose of "let's take the sucker for a ride."

"What do you imagine happens when someone goes to visit a dominatrix? Don’t pretend you haven’t imagined it; we know your mind is secretly so filthy that even soaking your brain in Cillit Bang wouldn’t get the dirt out."

Basically that's all you need to know about how people think about BDSM. There's nothing we can change about it, so why not enjoy some of the funniest stories.

(Image: Comedy Central)

"I've trained my parrot to give orders, so when I can't be arsed to bark out commands, I just sit on the sofa and let him squawk at my minions to clean the shit of his cage."

Don't know whose idea it was, but it's funny as hell. It also begs the question who's serving who. Not in the traditional sense as in topping from the bottom, but more like serving your own needs [by obeying a parrot]. Makes you wonder about the true nature of submission though.

(Image Kitty Stryker / Comedy Central)

"My grandmother asked for my help with her gardening, but I'm not one for mucking around in the dirt, so I sent my submissive over instead. He spent eight hours weeding, trimming bushes, moving rocks, and being ordered about by my gran - and he paid me for the privilege. Grandma didn't realize she'd been roped into Domme duty, but she was a natural."

Of course she is a natural, she gets her granddaughter to send a man - any man - over to do her gardening. Like she doesn't know. Gran knows everything. And by that I mean everything. They always do. You still have a lot to learn young padawan. Why do you think grandmothers always say "that's lovely dear?" Information overkill.

The interesting question here is whether it's ethical to rope your gran into domme duty, without her consent. It's your job, not hers. And of course the capitalization of the word domme. The slave was obviously happy, after all he paid mistress for the privilege. Must have been an expensive garden, for the slave that is. Mistress is also happy, cause she got paid. Too much irony. Next!

(Image: Comedy Central)

"One of my slaves was deadly boring as a human, so I forced him to act like a cat for a couple of hours. He chased toys around the floor, meowing, and was far more entertaining in feline form."

First of all, it wasn't me. It really wasn't. Even I'm not that boring. Second, if it were me, I would have taken a nap. After all cats are either hyper-active or superlazy. In order to be the most realistic cat I can be - it's what mistress demands - I best act like I'm superlazy. Trust me, you won't be able to tell the difference between me and a real cat. Especially not the part where cats go sit in your lap and so on. Meow.

But let's turn the tables, what woman can be entertained for hours by a [human] cat chasing toys? Sounds a bit boring. Being a pro-domme must be a tough job. Then again, if women are from Venus and men from Mars, where do dommes come from? Gallifrey?

(Image: Comedy Central)

"My mistress sends me to do her shopping, but makes me drink several pints of water before I go, so I'm desperate for a wee and get round the aisles faster. If I'm not moving quickly enough, she calls my mobile and plays tinkling water sounds down my phone to speed me up."

First of all: respect. It certainly is creative, even if it's not my cup of tea. And yes tea is a diuretic. It takes a lot of ingenuity, not only have your slave drinking several glasses of water, but also playing tinkling water sounds on his phone. Most likely mistress' background is in nursing. As for the slave: don't answer your phone silly, you know it's her.

Oops, sorry, I'm still new to all of this. So if you don't answer, you don't get punished? And you want to be punished? That's rather confusing. Perhaps mistress should order you to get her a customized ringtone on your phone. TLC's Waterfalls comes to mind. Have fun.

(Image: mistress Absolute/Comedy Central)

"I made my slave lay out 101 raisins in a perfect straight line to illustrate the 101 'raisins' he should be grateful to serve me, and to demonstrate that I am his 'raisin d'etre'"

"Raisins d'être?" Oh come on, that's too easy, even for someone who is not a native speaker like me. Isn't cool, cruel creativity the core of all things kinky? Or is this what you get when Comedy Central decides to write about dominatrices, telling the cheekiest chores they set their slaves?


Whatever it is, one thing is for sure, with its focus on "look at those stupid slaves", Comedy Central misses the point entirely when it comes to the joys of being kinky and quirky. Do whatever makes you [and her!] happy. If you enjoy it, please don't pay any attention to what the rest of the world thinks. They don't understand, neither do they care. Your personal preferences are being compacted and reduced to into a 5-second pre-packaged form of entertainment, called: "see them freaks." Maybe even better if the kink community as a whole stops lending their support to mainstream media, full stop. They don't want to understand, nor do they care, so why do we continue wasting our time explaining what they will never be able to comprehend?