Bill and the Spanking Thing - Doctor Who 2017 Christmas Special

[ 1] “you’re in for a jolly good smacked bottom!”
[13] "Oh, brilliant!"

You all know why I write about Doctor Who. Didn't expect fireworks for this year's Christmas episode, in fact I'd given myself some time off till New Year's Day from blogging, but my hand was forced. And yes, if you haven't seen Twice Upon a Time, it's spoilers from here on, you silly.

I've always been a sucker for smiling women. (Image Doctor Who/BBC)

On the third day of Christmas, Dutch writes about Doctor Who. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed all Doctors, but the Twelfth Doctor [12] is my favourite. Matt Smith was too young and too jolly. David Tenant a bit older, but also trying too hard to be popular. The original reboot Doctor, Christopher Eccleston - a single season Timelord only - was great though.

 

The Companions

When it comes to companions, it's a different story. Impossible girl Clara Oswald started out interestingly enough, as a souffle-baking Dalek. Any similarity with Bill ending up a Cyberman must be purely coincidental. Post-Dalek, Clara did a bit of 19th century nannying before she landed on her feet as a 21st century teacher, a nanny of sorts, some say. That's where the rot set in and it seemed to last forever. The impossibly annoying girl just wouldn't die. Even when she dies, technically she still isn't dead, flying around in a stolen Tardis, with Ashildr. And yes another parallel with Bill, not really dead, and going on adventures with that watery girl, Heather, the Pilot must be the coincidence of a lifetime.

British comedienne Catherine Tate was no more than a crowd pleaser, whisked away from her wedding to travel with the Doctor. Rose was pretty much OK - Bad Wolf all across the universe was cool - but I never really understood the whole Rose/Bad Wolf/The Moment thing in the 50th anniversary episode of Doctor Who.

Don't even get me started about Amy Pond and that Rory guy. Sorry, poor chap. The only thing they did brilliantly was to conceive the Doctor's wife in the Tardis. Because of that River Song is a better Tardis pilot than the Doctor ever will be.
Please don't jump to conclusions. The fact that you are conceived in a dungeon doesn't make you the greatest slave ever. If you are a mistress and find yourself in a similar situation, best to contact me for advice.

Martha Jones has always been one of my favourites. In the end it is not the Doctor who saved earth from the Master, but her. Going from door to door for years, she made the world believe.
Another thing that sets her out is that she has a life, doing a bit of Torchwood and becoming a doctor, after her adventures with the Doctor. Usually it doesn't end that well for companions.

 

Then There Is Bill

Like most of you, my favourite companion is Bill. And now she is dead. A one season wonder, you might say. I honestly don't understand why a female doctor needs a male companion. Bill is awesome and she could have hold on a little longer. Alas, Twice Upon A Time is most likely the last time ever we hear of Bill. As a companion she already stole my heart, but then there was that spanking thing.

For some [re]-generational reason both 1 and 12 are stranded on the South Pole, each bringing his own Tardis. And yes, 12's bigger [on the outside at least]. Both refuse to regenerate.

On of the fun things about the Christmas episode is how the original Timelord pokes fun of the props of the Twelfth Doctor uses, the guitar, the sonic sun glasses. Yes, those are silly. Both! One is a bit old-fashioned himself - cue to where he tells Bill to go and clean 12's Tardis. But he will have none of her foul language:

BILL: You're an arse. Do you know that? You, you, you, you're a stupid bloody arse.

DOCTOR: As I have always respected you.

(The first Doctor opens the Tardis door and looks at Bill.)

DOCTOR 1: If I hear any more language like that from you, young lady, you're in for a jolly good smacked bottom.

(And goes back inside.)

DOCTOR: Can we just pretend that that never happened?

BILL: I'm a broad-minded girl. I mean, I know we have this whole professor - student thing going on.

DOCTOR: Can we just never, ever talk about this again?

BILL: I hope we talk about it loads. I hope we spend years laughing about it. Come back alive.

You haven't lived until you've seen the smile on Bill's face after she says that. Meanwhile the doctor begs her to forget what just happened.

It's like answering mistress' question if you have been a good boy: "yes mistress." There are more ways to say yes, than there are grains of sand on this planet. Same with the broad-minded girl, especially one that has the whole professor - student thing going on. What on earth is Bill hinting at when she says that? Been thinking about it for a couple of days now and I still have no clue. But that sassy smile on her face, as she tells him: absolutely brilliant. That attitude is one of the reasons - long before the spanking thing ever happened - why she is my favourite companion. And now she is gone.

Don't worry, my normal, very serious writing will resume in January.

***

Notes

1. The spanking part at is around 29 minutes into the program.
2. I wrote both my Christmas posts in advance. The movie Joyeux Noël (2005) is at number seven on my Christmas femdom movie list. Imagine my surprise when Doctor Who deals with the 1914 Christmas truce.
3. Yes, I'm easily the world's worst slave, but when it comes to being Doctor Who screenwriter, I'll excel, when called upon.
   Here's my first story idea. The dead body of a young time traveller has been found. The Doctor is about to investigate, but the Gallifreyan Supreme Council sends someone else. They don't work well together but in the end solve the mystery. Who did it? Someone very close to the Doctor, that's all I'm gonna say. Don't wanna spoil it.
4. As a slave I should be happy with all the misery that is heaped upon me, without me asking for it. Unfortunately I'm the world's worst slave. Even more unfortunately, femdom and Doctor Who are worlds apart, so let me get right to it: why?
   Seriously Mr. Moffat? Yes introducing the impossible girl was fun, but she overstayed her welcome many times. I won't disagree there was more than a hint of domme-attitude in Clara, but let bygones be bygones!
   Not only did you rob Clara of her heart-breaking "victory" - and she had to sacrifice quite a lot for that, the memory of Clara - which the Doctor has no memory of - stole the limelight from Bill.
5. Note how Clara was killed during the 11th episode of the season. Still, long overdue!
6. The slump that Doctor Who is currently in, has many reasons. To name just two: the writing is bad and Clara over-over-stayed her welcome [by several seasons], But what has been really killing the show is the lack of bold choices.
7. If you assume people are more than the sum of their memories - something akin to a soul - the idea of extracting memories is a terrible idea. Despite that, it was good to see Nardole again. Both as a companion and guardian of the Doctor/Missy he did a superb job. One more character that we loose.
8. As for that byline, I may have mixed up things a bit. Oops.
   [ 1] “you’re in for a jolly good smacked bottom!”
   [13] "Oh, brilliant!" 
9. Yes, I also saw the ring fall from the finger of the Thirteenth Doctor after she regenerated. Does that mean her marriage with River Song is over? She'll be greatly missed too.
10. Finally: no the fact that the Doctor has taken on female shape now, doesn't make her any less able to pilot a Tardis. It is a well-known fact that after regeneration the Doctor inevitably struggles with the controls of their Tardis.