Don't Diss Dommes Who Dress Up

Who needs a dress when you can walk with fire? It’s not about looks, but what her eyes tell you. Don’t fret about the uniform.

The only leather is the belt she is holding.
Judging from the look in her eyes that is more leather than I can handle.

Life is 99 percent opinion and 1 percent fact. Femdom is 100 percent preference. One of the most hotly debated topics in kink is the domme dress. Leather or lace, how about your everyday wear? Real dommes do.... bla bla bla whatever.

To me basically anything goes. The silliest thing a dominant woman can do, is give in to other people’s opinions on how a domme should dress. If you prefer t-shirt and jeans, fine. If you have a knack for latex and leather clothing, have fun, freak out and be happy.

Despite what the femdom police claims, there is no rulebook for female dominance. Whatever works best, something that is defined by the chemistry – interaction if you prefer – between two people.

As a man I understand how enhancing the visual element can add that little extra umpf. But it only works when the basics are solid. Look at it from another way: when was the last time mistress looked anything but mistress, while not wearing her leather pyama’s?


Leather and latex are hot
As a self professed gearhead and fetish freak – yep a double jeopardy – I love to see mistress dressing up. Of course it is sexy. On top of that it highlights a certain desire. Just like women enjoy their boyfriends suiting up for dinner, we men do the same. There is also a undeniable erotic appeal to a women wearing the classic domme outfit.

But make no mistake, put that same outfit on some bored and uninterested model, who doesn’t have a clue about the intricacies that govern kink and all that is left is a pretty girl in a sexy outfit, looking seriously silly and lost.

The magic which connects love and femdom is that unique thing that makes the two of you tick in synchrony. Whatever it is, it always is something you cannot put into words.  Me, I prefer to put it down to raw passion. Love is a hunger. So is kink. Few things rival the beauty of a dominant woman being unapologetical herself, while taking it out on her slave. She will hurt him – and then some more, but never harm him. It is about that happy contradiction where she loves you and loves to see you suffer at the same time, always risk free but never free of pain. It is about the look in her eyes. How she pushes you, because she wants more. Notice how it is never about the uniform or looks, but about two people, desire and an inexpblicable connection. Just like it should.  Unfortunately Fetlife and whatever else floats around the internet make that hard to believe.

Same thing with dominant women. Yes, they are hot. Women always are. It is about what you look for beyond hot. If you are into femdom it is that magical evil quality - sometimes you see it, sometimes you don't. The twofaced approach of being both a woman and a domme make it even more special.

No amount of dressing up will ever rival the fire in mistress' eyes.

Here's looking at you kid
Women never believe us men when we say there is more to a woman than just looks. So silly, just look around and ask yourself why two people are together. It is about more than what is visible to the eyes. Yes other women turn our heads and you do not like it. We know women look at men too. So shut up. Why we are with you is because we love you. There is this special quality in every woman that will turn some man's head, in a way no other woman can. And when good things happen and she looks at him the same way... You know how the story goes.

What men look for in a dominant woman is something similar. Yes, some have hot boots and expensive outfits. Unfortunately often their lacklustre face show they couldn't care less.

Then there are those who are inspired by some kind of happy evil. They love it and they tell you so just by looking at you. Nothing makes them happier than to control, hurt and own you. Who me? Yes you boi!

We kinksters are who we are. It is passion that drives us. We know we are different from other people. Part of our happiness lies in the - often - difficult choices we make.

Most men - and certainly me - have been walking down the street when a woman caught our attention. Someone we immediately liked. You can try and rationalize it, but there is always more. Perhaps a what if? Could part of her be interested in the same thing I am? The beauty of kink is that you can never tell from the outside. It is no use wondering if the lady who passes by, is someone who enjoys dominating and controlling you. It makes for an interesting puzzle. Don't tell me dommes don't do the same thing on occassion. At one time or another you must have wondered what it would feel like to have that stranger kneeling at your feet. Gazing obediently at you, with that look of fear and devotion in his eyes.


Neither sufficient nor necessary
In the real world there are many disappointments. Happiness is always hard work. But what I am trying to explain is how the mistress-slave dynamic crucially depends on a special vibe. It is about her desire to own and his willingness to surrender. All througout this story, I try to emphasize is what makes two people connect is people, not desire, kink or neediness. It is about who they are. I carefully avoided any hint of domme dress or slave sans suit. It is about the chemistry more than anything else between a woman and a man, mistress and slave. First they see someone they are attracted to. Next they note they are kindred kink spirits. After that it is anyone's guess. But what attracts them in each other is not the promise of hot - almost pornographic kink - but the other person.

Look at it from the other side. Quite a few femdom writers treat slaves as nothing more than dogs. Without the connection between two people, there is no other reason for a man to have himself enslaved, than to satify his own desires.

So once again: yes, mistress dressing up sexy is hot. But it is neither sufficient nor necessary. Then there are some dommes - and I know I am going out on a limb here - who love their slaves and occasionaly slip up and put on something nice. Later when they feel ashamed they deviated from the one twue way, they tell themselves that by emphasizing their beauty, they are only teasing their slaves.

Trust me, if you wake up at four in the morning in order to go to the bathroom and she is sleeping right beside you and your first thought is something that makes you regret she is not awake because all of a sudden you have this brilliant idea, there is no need for dressing up. Not that you shouldn't do so on occassion.

Don't frown upon other people's preferences. We are all richly endowed with them, especially if you love kink.