The Beauty of Bondage: Giving Up Control

We all have our own definition of BDSM. Over the years I spent a lot of time surfing the internet - just like you - and I still don't understand why d/s, s&m and bondage are lumped together in a single term. The elements that make up the abbreviation BDSM often represent different and unrelated interests.

Personally I very much enjoy giving up control. Unfortunately that is not as easy for me as it is for some. My personality forces me to get involved with everything that is going on and join almost any discussion I run into. Combine those traits with a somewhat rebellious nature and an instinctive dislike of authority and when it comes to BDSM you have something most people consider the opposite of a winning combination. Let's hope my charm counterbalances that... Fingers crossed!

Simply saying "Whatever you want mistress" works for some but to me those words are not the same as giving up control. My mind prefers the analytical sort of logic, which is not necessarily always something to envy. Just image me thinking: "OK I'm on my knees, but what if I get up?" Still I love my kink and like to let go every once in a while. Within BDSM one of the options is bondage.

In college I doubled as a sparring partner for a talented female fighter who held the Dutch title in mixed martial arts. Even though we were friends and my fighting skills were no match for hers, every single loss hurt. Those few instances where I actually triumphed over her, I forever cherish. One day she had me worked to the ground and with nowhere to go I was still looking for a way out, our sensei said:

"Just for once, give up for crying out loud! There's nowhere to go"

Of course he was right, but I absolutely hated it.


After being restrained, it usually takes a while but once my sub conscience accepts neither physical strength nor words can get me out of my (self-inflicted) predicament and I am finally ably to let go. Usually it is the point where I realize the current situation - me being helpless, vulnerable, having no control - is real for the time being. I know very well I agreed to whatever is going to happening to me, but the anticipation beforehand, very different from the actual sensations going on, cloud my judgement time after time (insert the word "sucker" here). Perhaps it is something of a good thing.

Anticipation is like the upside without the downside, the latter being something that usually kicks in once reality starts to bite.

Somehow I need "things to be real" and being tied up is as real as it can get, even if it is only for a short period of time. Perhaps that is why I like bondage so much. For a few hours you completely relinquish control. Too bad if you have second thoughts. Whatever happens during the process is painful, trying, difficult and exhausting, but afterwards I feel calm and relaxed. The whole experience is best described as a combination of frustration and bewilderment that somehow still manages to be soothing, even when images of pain, humiliation and too much helplessness keep on flashing in my mind both during and afterwards. It is a state of extreme vulnerability, one I not necessarily enjoy, but somehow I like it. To enjoy and to like are obvious two different things. It is nice to finally let go and accept things as they are, even if it is only for a while.

Giving up control reduces a person to just another body with countless physical and mental pressure points, an object for mistress to play with and experiment upon. Trust is a key issue, but even then you may get more than you bargained for. The wonderfully wicked Amanda Wildfyre said this about it in a 2004 Serious Bondage interview:

“Now that you’re helpless, let’s have some fun.” If the person is submissive, they will send off this lovely vibe of “Yes, I’m all yours …” And if they resist, well then, damn!, that’s just the luck. “Clearly, you have underestimated exactly what would happen to you once I had you here, helpless, and just the two of us. Shall we find out now?”

The idea of surrendering yourself completely to somebody else is something of a dual nature: both terrifying and exiting at the same time. You are completely helpless, immobilized and in an extremely vulnerable position and even if you change your mind - most likely at some point - you are unable to change anything about your predicament. Once you realize the bonds you are in, have locked control out of sight, your mind slowly settles. It addresses another part of me, unlocking the part of me that is difficult to set free. Only afterwards you realize--and it comes as a surprise almost every single time--the amount of energy that comes from being incapacitated and at somebody else's every whim. Time after time that release tells you, whatever happens is clearly part of you. That fact--often days or hours later--by itself can be more unsettling than whatever happened while you were tied down. Perhaps it reminds you that no matter how focused, controlled and rational your are, there will always be elements of your personality that are out of reach. Not necessarily a bad thing but it definitely does not conform to the idea of rational individuals, somebody coined the term "mental ninja", we have about ourselves.

My mind basically has a single on/off switch. From the moment I wake up until I fall asleep (which usually takes about five seconds) my mind just keeps on going. Playtime combined with bondage for me means my daily bucket lists (multiple) slowly fade to grey. My mind goes like: do this, don't forget about that, brilliant thought, remember X it's important, zzz.... The noise hardly ever disappears completely, but it is very much in the background, enough to focus on what is at hand. Then again often mistress does not give you any choice.

Of course while whatever bucket list currently occupies your mind, moves out of sight and some more immediate and scary concerns ask for attention:

"What have I done?"
"What have I gotten myself into?"
"But what if..."

Remember, it is no longer up to you, which does not mean the struggle for acceptance is any less. For me it is hard every single time. Then you remember, mistress knows and understands you, which unfortunately is not much of a reassurance, given her devious mind and personal preferences. Next you realize all the things she hinted at in the past. Usually it is pretty bad. The only thing that saves you from going ape is knowing mistress loves and cares about you and her devious mind is of such a nature that harm will never replace hurt, which in itself is no guarantee for a rough time. Unfortunately you will have to suffer for the privilege. A lot. Guess that is why they invented rope.

Still that voice deep inside, no matter how experienced you are, is asking whether you are just plain bonkers or extra spicy kind. Fortunately as they say love will bring you home, but the road is long and winding. Or was it that other song: "Love hurts"?

Depending on who you play with, love, like trust, help to relieve the pressure somewhat but most likely the price you pay for it, is getting your limits pushed and pushed by somebody who knows you pretty well. She ticks all the right boxes and enjoys it.

Wait, there's more
There is another element to bondage I enjoy: being forced. When it comes to the sexes men and women are very differently. A man's mind has a tougher time dealing with undergoing something, e.g. being stripped of his clothes than taking them of himself. For women it is the opposite, being forced to take of their clothes, rather than be shredded from their bodies is the worst experience. Bondage is the ultimate setting to force a man to undergo whatever rather than being ordered to carry out a certain task.

The more secure you are tied up, the less room there is to wriggle. The physical impact of what is going on does not depend on how well you are tied up but mentally it makes a difference. If you cannot wriggle it becomes more intense. It takes away one more distracting element. That's why if your tie up just the arms and legs, it feels less intense.

So does it mean it is 100 percent pure joy? Quite the contrary. Before during and after lots of doubts enter your mind and the things that make you happy are not always the once you enjoy. Personally being helpless, in a position where neither skill, strength or smarts can save me, is very demanding. Some enjoy humiliation and vulnerability but to me those ingredients are at best sweet-n-sour at once. Then again why do you scratch when you have an itch, even though you know you shouldn't?

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The illustrations in this posts are from an unknown artist. They combine intense scenes with uncomplicated play.