Friday, January 05, 2018

The Safeword: Locked Out of Heaven?

Can't live without it, shouldn't do without.

A riel slave - very much like a twue domme - doesn't need a safeword. But what if reality bites?

femdom mistress asian japanese heavy rubber gag
How considerate, a gag with a hole for a safeword.

Like I explained before, I was late to the femdom party. Life was always good - and perhaps a bit overwhelming at times. The first mistress I ever played with used a safeword. She instructed me before we started. A few months later, after we got to know each other a little better, she brought out the gag for the first time. Once again, there was the safety instruction. It wasn't just about "too much to handle". By then she had figured out I had this slight, self-destructive capacity for stubbornness. She taught me safety was also about limbs being tied up and getting numb. Before that initial combination of gag and bondage, her instructions read: three fingers to signal I was in distress.

Haven't spoken to her in years, but that - and a few other things - shaped me for the better when it comes to femdom. I'm forever grateful to have met her and wonder what my kink future would have looked like if I hadn't met such a skilled, experienced mistress.

For some it is the ultimate conundrum: a safeword. Of course there has to be one. If only to protect the slave from mistress' myopia. A better example is perhaps the bumblebee. My English is far from perfect, but for once I let it lapse on purpose. By bumblebee, I really mean wasp, whose sting can be fatal. I read this story several years ago. A mistress was playing with her tied up, gagged slave. Because of the lovely California weather, she had opened the window and a wasp sneaked into the dungeon. Immediately the slave started to panic, using his safeword signal. Rather surprised, mistress untied him. Good thing, she had insisted on a safeword. The slave was allergic to bee-stings. If it happened, he would go into shock and possibly die.

For me the safeword represents all that is complicated about femdom. Yes, I crave absolute loss of control, but only for a few hours, days at most - and within my limits. My limits are simple, it's basically anything that I don't really want, except for the consensual non-consensual consensual stuff. Oh, and did I forget to mention the involuntarily, highly desired stretching of my pesky limits? My bad.

With a safeword, there can be no complete transfer of control - if ever such a thing exists. When given a safeword, I'm afraid, I'll chicken out. Some mistresses thrive on that or torment you to such a degree, that you have no choice but to beg for mercy. Of course that very notion acts like an inhibitor, but only so far.

On top of that, I don't like pain. In daily life, I always have a fair amount of control over the situation and when confronted with the duality of kink, I believe real suffering will bring you true happiness. Despite that, I'm worried that my mind gets stuck in survival mode long before it's even remotely reasonable for any slave to use a safeword.

In the end, I guess, I will live to suffer some more. Of course the happiness you get from looking at her, as she enjoys your suffering, is one reason not to use the safeword. Pain may last forever, happiness not. Of course, it's complicated. That leads to two conclusions, a safeword: yes! Be careful with dommes who claim they are omnipotent and don't need one. Equally important is building up a bond with your mistress. In the end there is no harsher mistress than the one who looks you in the eye, right there and then, so happy - and with dilated pupils. Ouch! Ooouch!

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