Friday, April 15, 2016

11 Signs Your Girlfriend is a Dominatrix

Yesterday I wrote about Britain’s Culture Secretary who upon discovering – after many months – that the woman he dated, worked as a dominatrix, ditched her instantly. Or so he says. You have to be pretty daft not to know what your girlfriend does for a living. Hard to believe, but politics is all about plausible deniability. Here are 11 clues you can choose to plausible deny. We thank John Whittingdale for sharing these insights with us. He even graciously commented upon them.

1.   "The first time I stayed at her place, I wondered what those things in the dishwasher were. Never seen them before. I’ve given the matter considerable thought and decided it had to be an art project of some sort. This image is also what motivated me to become Culture Secretary. It just felt right. And no I did not ask her about it. Yes hindsight is always 20/20."

2.    "We really bonded and after a few weeks she cleared out a drawer for some of my stuff. My top secret files on the right and my clothes on the non-right. She forgot one piece of clothing however. I think it is from Ikea, that Swedish clothing brand. You know the one with incredibly low prices, but still paying everyone a living wage. Made in Britain of course."

3.    "I distinctly remember the first time I switched on the telly. Her selection on Netflix was so different from mine. I thought Breaking Butts was about some chemistry teacher who turns into a drug kingpin, but all shows were about women tying up and hurting men. I thought we had laws against that in this country. Of course as a politician I had to watch it all, to fully understand what goes on in todays society."

4.    "What I never really understood why she had all these dog collars lying around the house. Never seen a single dog anywhere near. A cat yes, but dogs never."

5.   " I could have asked her the next morning over coffee, but as a politician that is beneath me. Besides I think she had other plans. Look at the artist impression of the tower of Pizza she put on the table next to the coffee cups. She clearly wanted me to take her on a trip to Italy. Women and the art of being subtle. Don’t make me laugh."

6.    "Same thing with DIY stuff. If you need a hook to hang your towel, don’t put it inside the shower cabin. I must say I do like the shape. Looks a bit like a banana or something. Still highly unpractical. Women always are."

7.    "I really do not want to badmouth her or anything – mainly because that reflects bad on me – but i think she was a little paranoid. What girl dries her high heels and secures them with a pair of handcuffs? Almost as if she is afraid somebody is going to steal them."

8.    "Just between you and me, I think she was going cuckoo. Once I went down into the basement and discovered she has a second fridge there. It doesn’t seem to work and it is painted blue on the inside. Everybody knows that is a waste of money. Science first has to figure out if the light in the fridge stays on after you close the door. You cannot print this yet but the government has granted the University of Cluelessistan two million pounds for fundamental research into this very topic. Initial results look promising."

9.    "She probably also has money issues. It looks like she ran out of cash before she could finish the kitchen. Get a second job girl. As a politician I’m always short on cash so I have a few lucrative jobs on the side. The usual stuff, mainly lobbying for whatever bill they want me to be in favour of."

10.    "My acting classes clearly were a waste of tax payer’s money. You guys still don’t believe me. I always thought she was a professional horse trainer or something. I distinctly remember coming home one night where she had the tools of her trade spread out on the bed."

11.    "But mainly she was a bore. What woman in 2016 loves knitting? Well, she does. Lots and lots of rope all around the house. And so many cloth pins. Why? I don’t know. Not the kind of woman a respectable politician like me wants to be associated with. As you can understand I am distancing myself from her any way I can."

"...You’re asking was there anything I liked about her? Before I answer your question, I like to point out that the above evidence I supplied you with voluntarily, clearly shows I am not to blame for what did or did not happen. I'm a man of the world and if even I cannot figure out what she does for a living, who can?"

"Back to your original question. Yes I liked her cooking. Her steak was done to perfection. Perhaps that large poster in the kitchen helped. Women need a bit of guidance, you know."

"I told you about the blue whacky fridge in the basement. I’m not sure it was a fridge. The way she sometimes dressed. I think it was a Tardis mock-up. Yes Doctor Who is one of Britains most prestigious cultural icons, thank you. My guess is she enjoyed a bit of cosplay. Her outfits were kinda hot. Then again there are many women who look good, dressing up as catwoman. Thank goodness my job comes with an expense account. I just bought this girl I met an incredible latex cat suit. Can’t wait for her to try it on. If she doesn’t like it, she’s not the only fish in the sea. Ha ha ha. So happy I’m single again."

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