Wednesday, December 30, 2015

No Chastity For Me Please. Thank You

For many reasons I'm not into chastity. And before you say that choice is up to mistress, let me remind you that any successful relationship is based on the needs of two people. When I saw a an image of a spiked chastity device it made me think about the why and how of such toys.

metal chastity devices
(Image: Male Chastity Devices)

Broadly speaking there are three reasons why I don't like chastity. First of all sexual frustration is no substitute for mutual attraction. Most women know, we men promise them the moon - and throw in both Mars and Venus as a bonus - when we are horny. To be on edge 24/7 reduces mistress to an object of desire. As usual: who is serving who? Perhaps this is the part where sadism and dominace begin to bite each other.

Then there is the vanilla world. Chastity is a huge distraction to whatever you do. Most women expect their slave to be more than just horny. Full time chastity is a major impediment to professional success.

Do kinky folk have just one thing on their mind? Sometimes I wonder. Me, I strive to be more than just the sum of my desires. Unfortunately long term chastity achieves quite the opposite.

Love or lust?
One of the things I love about femdom is its dual nature. On the one hand you have this amazing woman who loves you above and beyond. She will do the most incredible things, just because of that. She stands by you in your hour of need. She looks out for you and can see the obvious that is invisible to you. At the same time she balances all of that with a burning desire to hurt, own and control you. She loves you, but has to see you suffer by her hands at regular intervals. When things work, it creates a balances in the woman you love that is highly exciting and intoxicating. Look at the bigger picture and the beauty and elegance that emerge from a successful relationship in which two people balance several elements like love, desire, femdom and the rest of their lives in a harmonious and healthy way, is poetry. To most outsiders such a complicated relationship seems impenetrable freaky, magical, written in a foreign tongue. Then again the language of lovers always is to strangers. Hardly any couple will ever reach it. Even fewer understand the deep bond between lovers - not mistress and slave - necessary to make it work and last. Both parties - yes the domme has to give, rather than take too - are actively involved. That sounds dangerously close to a vanilla relationship, which of course, in essence it is.

Change the scenery to keep a man on his toes sexually day after day, whatever he tells or promises you, can be translated into: " I'll do anything for you, because I am not thinking with the proper part of my anatomy. Please don't believe a word of what I say."

Now ask yourself: if your perfect slave is crawling at your feet, is it because of your natural dominance or a mere by-product of his pent-up animal desires? If that confuses you, right then and there is not the time to tell him "I love you." Whatever he says next, is aimed at pleasing himself. Is that really what you want? In vanilla terms, nobody likes it when they only tell you, they love you when they’re drunk. And I forgot to mention, when they do, they don't look into your eyes. Their eyes are looking at something some 20 centimeters lower.

Life is one big job interview. To be successful, you have to sell yourself over and over again. If the best thing about you is "me so horny", good luck.

Life beyond desire: we all gotta make a living
Homo Universalis: I wonder if such a person ever existed. If they did, the last of them got extinct long ago. The concept however still stands. A person should be more than the sum of their sexual desires. Me for one, I am trying hard to. Male chastity - by design - focusses the mind on what it desperately wants but cannot have. Such an inconvenience is impossible to ignore. Nor is it a qualitication for success in other areas of life. So, why? Besides, if all that defines me, is my sexuality, what does it make me? The tagline of my blog reads:
"...femdom and bdsm. Part of me. Not all of me."
By design. It is not the only reason I am not into long term denial. Like most, my life is about more than than just kink. The idea of my desires fuelling my every decision is just terrible. To be horny 24/7 sounds like fun but once what you cannot have becomes a distraction and your work starts to suffer, think again. Part of what makes anyone attractive is their professional career. Why let that part of your life slip, because you focus on a single element of who you are? Beside some people, me included, are easily distracted. Things would turn messy soon.

plastic chastity device with spikes on the inside, made by birdlocked
Look close and you see the spikes at the front of the device.
Me, I'm wondering what's the point.

More than a slave
You read it time and again, a domme is more than a fetish delivery system. They are hot-blooded women looking for someone who is more than a slave. They want a man. One they can lock up and control 24/7. Let's rewind: what exactly do they want? A unicorn? Whatever it is, it doesn't exist. If you want a man, the inner slave is part of him. If you want a "riel" slave, the man is nowhere to be seen.

Long term chastity inevitably reduces any relationship into a watered down version of what can be. Too often it removes depth and intimacy that come from love and substitute it by some artificial connection. Remember: any mistress will do for a horny slave. It is an illusion to believe desire by design equals animal attraction between lovers. Not to mention other areas of a relationship. Give her your chastity or give her the world.

Once lust obscures the mind, how do you know if he genuinely loves you, let alone serve you for no other reason than a deep desire to be yours (Your pick).

So if you really love the woman you’re with - or want to serve your mistress - maybe you should reconsider the idea of full time chastity. Frustration and denial do not increase servitude. Those elements only increase desire. Lust has a nasty habit that makes us men desperate for release. Too often honesty and love go out the window when pent-up sexual energy searches for a way out.

Chastity is fun
Of course that doesn't mean chastity - and chastity devices - should be excluded from femdom. Lock up a man who is unaccustomed to chastity for a while and he goes insane, a interesting side-effect of giving up control over his toys.

Even more cunning: without you knowing, your caring owner has called the office to arrange for a week of. Mistress has some "marvellous surprise" planned for you. All the guys in the office envy you. Little do they know...

When you come home Friday night, mistress locks you up for the seven day special, she has in mind. How's that for giving up control? In the end love and trust is what makes you let go and give up control. That in no way takes away how intimidating such an experience can be.

pico plastic chastity device with spikes on the inside, made by birdlocked
Inside of a chastity device, equipped with spikes. Inside out on the left, looks like some underwater creature. The righthand side image looks a bit like the mouth of a shark. Overkill (Image: Birdlocked)

Scary Spikes
Search Tumblr for femdom and you'll find a large number of posts on chastity. Over the years I've seen devices in many forms. For a while the post that got the most attention on my blog was about how to print your own chastity device. Some devices require piercings, while others are truly impenetrable. Certain models can be opened easily because they basically rely on self-control, no fun for me. One of the more devious concepts is a device with two built-in electric leads, that can be connected to a TENS unit.

All those devices share one common characteristic: denial increases desire. That is until I came across a device with spikes on the inside. They prohibit even the least bit of excitement. Is that fun? I doubt it. Being so close to what you desire, only to discover you cannot have it: the woman you love and lust for - full stop - sounds like much more fun. Who needs spikes for that? Tie up a guy, tease the hell out of him and then not let him have it, ruin him, milk him or whatever else you fancy. That's gonna end in frustration and tears - his loss - and fun for both. Such intense frustration beats no frustration at all. As an added bonus, you can do it over and over again. Talking about sadists in control. Of course you can hide one of those spikey devils in your toy chest and slip it on, when he least wants to, but otherwise more frustration and denial equals more fun (Hers) and tears (his).

Yes it is scary, especially if you are in a relationship where you find the woman you love - as opposed to the mistress in whatever fetish outfit you digg - super sexy. Why not increase your slave's frustration and tease him with the woman he craves for: you! It beats repressing whatever is left of his painful and unfulfilled desires with internal spikes. You can always slip it on while he is asleep. A lovely evil plan and a hell of an unexpected nasty morning call, but other than that, he loves you for more than the sexual fix you provide. Or so I hope. If not, be afraid of that first wrinkle. Very afraid.

Chastity can be incredibly diverse and versatile. Geared towards denial and taking away control, it is the perfect plan. Once chastity becomes about removing desire, to me it sounds pretty much like the end of the road. I'm curious. If you are in spiked chasity, let me know what it does to you.

Neosteel metal full male chastity belt equipped with an "educational shield", a remote-controlled electrical butt plug that delivers electrical shocks
Neosteel full chastity belt equipped with an "educational shield", a remote-controlled electrical butt plug. It scares the hell out of me, yet the complete loss of control makes it as real as it gets. (Image::Neosteel)

Me too
One of things I like least in femdom is called "me too". Whether or not a domme is interested in a particular activity, she does it. Because she can. Not necessarily because it is fun for her. That is a shame. Most slaves notice. It chips away at the mistress-slave dynamic. On a much deeper level than words can explain, your slave's happiness is part based upon your enjoyment of his misery, acceptance, surrender and suffering. So use chastity wisely. Torment him because you want to, not because you can. Not only is less more, it also cuts deeper. Variety is the spice of life as well as that of suffering. When you get there, look in his eyes and see the love. Look beyond it and recognize his suffering and hardship. For you. Not because he is horny – we’re always horny - but because he wants to be owned and controlled by you. What brought you together is the attraction between two people. A major part of what keeps you together should be that, not “me so horny in plastic” It is one of the reasons I want my relationship to include a healthy dose of vanilla sex. And yes I know I am the only slave in the world who still has an interest in such simple cravings. I strongly believe vanilla sex is an important ingredient in every relationship worth the name. Have fun. As a woman you control his desire no matter what. Have it both ways.

A lengthy expose on why not chastity. It is not for me, despite the fact that denying gratification can be used as an element of control. There are many ways to do that without reducing the essence of your relationship to two people worshipping a piece of plastic.

Research also seems to indicates longterm chastity has a negative impact on the ability to have vanilla sex.

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